HorrorScopes May 30-June 5

HorrorScopes May 30 - June 5
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Warming something frozen up in the microwave does not make you a chef. Besides, roadkill should really be grilled or at least deep fried in lard.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your ass has exceeded the weight limit of your pants. Next time, invest in a forklift as an accessory.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your neighbors can smell your laundry hamper from their living room. You should probably pull grandma out of there before they call the cops.

Today's Birthday (May 30): As you try to take a bite out of your birthday cake, someone will come up next to you and punch you in the face.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Do the world a favor and skip that onion bagel in the morning. Oh, you didn't have an onion bagel? Then what the heck are you brushing your teeth with - armpits?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will get your snout stuck in a jar trying to get "Hunny". You will panic and slowly asphyxiate.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are depleting the world's water supply with your horribly dry sense of humor.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You better watch your step. This level has lava pits. And no magic mushrooms.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Try to shake things up a little bit. But not babies. You should really stop shaking babies, it's rude.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will invent colon-lingus. You might wanna try flossing afterwards.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might think you are dark and mysterious, but really you're more awkward and creepy. I mean, what kind of person gets aroused driving past cemeteries?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your childhood scars are not an excuse to be a douchebag all the time. But your face is. Oh!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Life has been rough for you lately, so you should let loose and do something wild. Like maybe get a new haircut or kick a puppy.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless you're a woman. Then you have to buy a smaller size of it, in every color, and only wear it once and complain about it the whole time.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Food and Its Lack of Pyramids

The [Jersey] Devil's Playthings:
Food and Its Lack of Pyramids
by J.D., Devil Extraordinaire

You know what? Things are too complicated. Specifically, food.


The other day, my wife, Sphinx, was saying I should eat more salad, because it has fruits and vegetables in it. And I said, there’s no fruit, it’s all vegetables: tomato, lettuce, Bacos, whatever. And then she said that tomatoes are technically a fruit. Do you believe that? Then how come fruit salads have melon and grapes and stuff, and not tomatoes then, huh?

It gets worse. Wic came home from school the other day, and he said they made him memorize something called the “Food Pyramid” and he started telling how fruits, vegetables, grain, and cheesedoodles all have special hierarchies. Now, I don't know much about royalty, but the only food I have heard of being a hierarchy is Crown Fried Chicken. Or maybe that Burger King guy. Man, that dude is creepy. So anyhow, I wanted to make sure Wic's teachers weren't feeding him B.S., so I asked Sphinx if the ancient Egyptians drew diagrams of food on their pyramids. She probably doesn't know either, because she just gave me the finger.

The way I see it, we shouldn’t be a Food Pyramid, we should have a Food Box. Let's start here with my diarrhea-rama:

Ya see, fruits and vegetables are all the same. I don’t know the difference, neither does anyone else. So let’s just eliminate vegetables. Celery and asparagus and ketchup and whatever can all be fruit. Also, most furniture is a fruit. You see, since wood comes from trees, which comes from the ground, so they are also fruit. And you know what, just to round everything out, I am going to say that dirt is also, unmistakably, fruit.

Wic says another category is bread and cereal. That’s stupid. Bread comes from grains, I know that much, and grain comes from the ground, just like marijuana, they're all obviously fruits. Just like Sphinx's friend Bigfoot. I think in the case of Bigfoot, he is classified as a fruit because he wears pink. Anything with pink in it should be a fruit. So, I guess women are all fruits as well.

Now here is when it gets a little more complicated:

So, obviously, for the other stuff: you have to kill it, so it’s an animal. Cows and pigs and deer and Rosie O'Donnel are all animals. So they’re the other side of the Box. That’s the part I eat too much of, and I know it. My Food Box tilts to the right, I guess, like this:


So, I showed this to Sphinx, and she just shook her head, and said, get this, “What about dairy?” so I said, “Easy! Eggs are animals. Cheese is fruit.” Right? Eggs, you murder for food. That's why they are so delicious. And cheese isn't alive, so it's fruit. Except for that maggot cheese Penny likes so much. That's technically classified "animal" because it wriggles.

The only point Sphinx made was with stuff like Mountain Dew and Mashmallow Peeps and aspirin. Now, according to the bottle, Mountain Dew has some orange juice in it, so that’s definately a fruit. As for Peeps, they're obviously animals because they are shaped like animals - the same theory applies to animal cookies, gummy bears, and most importantly, pancakes with smilie faces on them. The real tricky one is the asprin. I don't know what the hell that is, so I’ve gotta make the box bigger.

That’s the Chemical section. Since our society has advanced so much, we have exceeded Nature's Natural Food Box and added chemicals to help society. That's why we're all so smart now and live so long and stuff. So, if you don't wanna die, you need to make sure to get your daily intake of the Chemical box. And these days, you can get fruit that has been enriched with chemicals and stuff so you can kill two birds with one stone. And then you can eat the bird, too, but I wouldn't eat the stone, because then that would be too much fruit.

Okay, that’s all from me. Glad to be of help. Pass it on to you know, Moses or whoever built the Food Pyramid. Maybe they’ll change it.

HorrorScopes May 23-29

Weekly HorrorScopes May 23-29
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). No, you can't ease your financial woes by selling your half-eaten sandwich on E-bay.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will watch Watermelon Nights about 35 times before you start weeping because you aren't a cute, happy, singing watermelon...you're just shaped like one.

Today's Birthday (May 23): You share the same birthday as Drew Carey. Good, now there is at least one thing interesting about you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will step in poo this week and kinda like it. It will become a new livelong fixation that will get you a prime spot on a Jerry Springer ripoff show.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Nice gas guzzling vehicle you drive there, Al Gore. You know what they say about large carbon footprints...small carbon-based manhoods.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your unusual sexual desires are not normal and you should seek help.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your pack rat tendencies are becoming a nuisance to your friends and family. What the heck are you going to do with 75 Chinese food containers with no lids and four metric tons of twist ties?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). That burger you ate last week was made out of people. If it's any consolation, they weren't really nice people. Well, except for one of them. She was really sweet and always recycled.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Every time you Google yourself, a baby kitten dies.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your body isn't full of "love bumps". Those are just rolls of hideous fat. And possibly tumors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Money matters might have you under stress this month. You can always just sell a kidney, or maybe one of your children. Or some of your childrens' kidneys!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Since spring is in the air, now is a good time to refresh your wardrobe, and that even includes your undergarments. At the moment, your underwear has more tracks than your local railroad.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). It's time for a career change! Before you send out your generic resume to a zillion companies, try to make sure you take down that photo of you pretending to felicitate the Ronald McDonald statue that comes up on Google image searches.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes May 16-22

Weekly HorrorScopes May 16-22
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to de-stress by taking a leisurely walk, meditating, or practicing some light yoga. If you don't, your heart will explode inside of your chest and they will find your rotting corpse permanently adhered to the computer where your face burned into the LCD monitor.

Today's Birthday (May 16): You share a birthday with Janet Jackson! You also coincidentally have similar family backgrounds, including a brother that enjoys wearing sequins and molesting children and possibly monkeys. And monkey children wearing sequins.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will launch into another Get Rich Quick scheme which will leave you with about 3,000 custom-designed watermelon stress balls. I know, I know, it sounded like a good idea at the time...

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you keep walking around barefoot at your gym, you're going to spawn a new form of foot fungus that burns painfully but tastes delicious on pizza.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get replaced by a 20-year old that gets paid half your salary but gets work done three times as efficiently at your job. Don't worry, you can always get a job as one of those senior-citizen Walmart greeters!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Hey, is that actually your real hair?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You really need to focus on setting some goals in your life. Start by eating some healthy food with a proper knife, fork, and plate rather than those sporks they give you at KFC when they hand you your plastic bowl filled with cheese, mashed potatoes, and chicken neck mixture.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). It should be a fairly busy week for you with lots of phone calls, conversations and contacts with many different people dominating your agenda. You know, the bill collectors wouldn't bother you so much if you just paid off that gym equipment you bought and never used.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Just throw out that pair of jeans – you were never able to fit your fat ass into them quite right anyhow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your selfishness will be at an all-time high this week when you steal quarters from your friends' couch cushions to buy yourself a dozen donuts that you will eat alone in your apartment like some ravenous hyena.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In fact, the average American uses between 300 and 700 plastic bags per year. You can help the environment by picking out one favorite plastic bag, putting it over your head, and breathing deeply.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Some people can bounce a quarter off their stomach. Amazingly enough, quarters can actually orbit around the small planet you used to call your midsection.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You need to work on your self-esteem or you will be doomed to dating the leechy, sociopathic, moronic losers that you seem to always draw into your life. These days it's like flies to shit, so you need to either get some bug spray or watch your fiber intake.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you keep your feet firmly on the ground at all times, you'll probably ave trouble putting on your pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes May 9-May 15

Weekly HorrorScopes May 9-May 15

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

Special Note: Since Wiccan Chicken has a major beak surgery this week. I will be handling the HorrorScopes, so don't worry, they won't be watered down by his P.C. sensibilities. You'll get nothin' but the truth, kids.

Today's Birthday (May 9). You're an assface.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You're a buttmunch.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your mother's a whore.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You're a liar.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You are also a liar.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your pants are on fire.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You nose is a long as a telephone wire.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You smell funny.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You look funny.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You aren't funny.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You. You're the worst of them all.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Eh, I got no problem with you. You're pretty cool.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Oh, don't even get me started on your crazy ass.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Pagan Penguin has her period. I'm not saying anything.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes May 2-8

Weekly HorrorScopes May 2-8
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (May 2). You will be desperately craving attention all week, so you’ll post numerous MySpace bulletins threatening to commit suicide due to your lousy, lonely birthday. For once, friends will actually respond to your pleas and offer you helpful tips on how to do the job right.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should delete all the songs on your hard drive that remind you of the dysfunctional relations you had with your ex. Not only do you need to let go, but all those songs were illegal downloaded and some guys from recording industry are hot on your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Try not to shoot the messenger this week when you receive some bad news. It’s really not the pizza guy’s fault that the shop won’t honor your ripped, coffee-stained, expired 5% off coupon. Man, you are a cheapskate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Jealousy will get the best of you when you realize that all of your friends make more money than you, but are far more stupid. Rather than getting mad, you should just anonymously call their bosses to alert them of their office mischief, and then go ahead and apply for their jobs.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your crotch reeks of dog saliva and peanut butter today. Any reason for that?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You can learn a lot if you listen to people that are older and wiser than you. For instance, too many prunes can seriously give you diaper rash, Viagra has a higher market value than most hookers, and if you pretend you pass out, the nurse at the Assisted Living Center will usually stop beating you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will roam the world searching for your one true love, but you’ll just end up kissing a lot of toads that give you genital warts.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your parents found your stash and they’re keeping it all for themselves.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Scorpio female: You will receive an interesting surprise this week when you find a picture of your ex-boyfriend in the arms of another man that you also used to date. You sure know how to convert the masses - at that rate, you should practice religion! Scorpio male: You should evaluate your proposals this week, namely the ones involving a diamond ring. Make sure it’s the right size; that means at least three carets with a solid platinum band. That's what you get for dating a high-maintenance girlfriend. She’s not really a blond, you know.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your employer will switch your seating arrangements so you’re stuck next to the guy that hums the “Sesame Street Theme Song” incessantly. Oh, well, at least you don’t need to sit next to that person that smells like Parmesan cheese anymore. Oh, wait...That’s you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Don’t be afraid or too shy to show others how valuable you are. You can charge your clients at least $5 more for your famous “Happy Ending Specials”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will feel like running away on a vacation, but your finances won’t allow such an indiscretion. Maybe, if you sit really close to the TV during LOST, you can pretend that you are on a lovely island surrounded by a big fat guy wearing Hawaiian trunks and bitchy doctors, just like a real vacation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will experience difficulties with people you have to work with, but what do you expect at the graveyard shift at Denny’s?


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Negotiations with a significant others usually lead to new and interesting developments that usually include unwanted pregnancies.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.