HorrorScopes April 4-10

Weekly HorrorScopes April 4-April 10

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). A very attractive person will hit on you this week, but beware, they have more miles on them than your dad's old car.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will spend your entire weekend ripping up grass from your flower bed, only to replace it with different grass that is supposedly "ornamental". Some people call that gardening. but really, that's just insane.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will notice a strange lump on your side. That's your significant other.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy level will be high this week, but try to avoid starting projects that you can't finish, since you will go back to being your same, lazy self in a few days.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your attention will be in million places this week. except for the road. The police, however, will have seen the whole thing.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will be challenged with intense and complex issues, mainly concerning the debate over whether to buy chunky or smooth peanut butter. You know, if you had a better job, you could afford to buy both.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Avoid being pulled into an intense disagreement that is fueled by fear of the unknown. In other worlds, avoid speaking to Republicans in general.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will soon have the opportunity to be earning a little more money, however, prostitution is still illegal in most states, especially if you are prostituting your own family members against their will.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Don't look a gift horse in the mouth this week. They actually have huge teeth that could chew your entire face off.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your dreams will have a great significance this week, since you will one and for all realize that you can never achieve them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make sure you pamper yourself this week, since you're going to have a slight accident in public. And if Pampers are too small for your fat butt, I'm sure Depends works as well.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). The combination of certain planetary forces may affect us in mysterious ways. In your case, they give you bad gas.

Today's Birthday (April 4) On this day in history, Martin Luther King, Jr. died. He had a dream that changed lives, whereas, you have dreams that stain your pajama pants.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: She who finds happiness found a man who has no spine.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.