HorrorScopes April 11-17

Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). My crystal ball says that you drink far too much soda. I can't read any more because of all the bubbles. Oh, wait, I see it...you also burp and fart too much. I don't need my crystal ball to see that this is all related.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Someone in your immediately family will fall off of a cliff and leave you a large inheritance. Unfortunately, rather than large monetary gains, you will receive a large pitbull that likes to nuzzle next to a pile of bones that he collected from the "Missing" neighborhood children.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). One of your children will go missing. You might want to ask the Taurus that lives next door to you about it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). FYI, your nickname at work is "The Old Man". No one wants to hear your long, rambling, non-nonsensical stories. Also, no one wants to hear about your experiences with buying Viagra and "pumps" through e-mail direct-marketing campaigns. I can't believe you gave those people your credit card number...

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will finally finish off the last of the candy in your Easter Basket, and you will continue to feel resentful that you did not receive any orange Cadbury Creme Eggs this year. Also, the mall Easter Bunny asked us to tell you to please stop calling him; his name is actually Joe and you're really freaking out his wife. How the hell did you get his number, anyhow?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There has been a large crime-spree in your neighborhood. You might want to finally change those locks, or at least booby trap your house with buckets of paint. That's what Macaulay Culkin did to avoid perpetrators and molesters, and we all know how his life turned out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Stop trying to be such a people-pleaser. I know you're trying to make everyone happy, but you're just coming across as a high-strung ass-kisser. Also, try to cut down on all the blow you're doing. It's just no good.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will try a new fad diet in the coming weeks. In the end, the only weight you'll lose will be in your wallet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will make the world a better place when you tragically die at a young age.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might want to try something new this week, like showering and maybe even brushing your teeth. And while you're off the couch, perhaps you might want to look into purchasing some dignity and self respect?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might say you have a clear conscience, but really, you just have a bad memory.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If April Showers bring May Flowers, the April Shit-Storms you are going to get stuck in will bring you rolls and rolls of May Flowery-Printed Toilet Paper. Unfortunately, the flusher will be broken until at least June. You might as well pick up a few magazines to read because it's not ending soon.

Today's Birthday (April 11). Your birthday cake will light your eyebrows on fire, but you won't notice until the flames have consumed much of the hair on your head. Eh, your hairline was starting to recede, anyhow.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: A woman that is laid in a tomb might someday become a mummy.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.