Horrorscope July 27 - August 2

Weekly Horrorscope
July 27 - August 2

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). An old flame will try to woo you back into his/her life. In addition to having a new haircut and a new attitude, they have newly acquired Chlamydia. (No, that is not a type of diet pill.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Two vindictive postal workers will have a fun time kicking around the important package you marked "Fragile" before they quit their jobs and go work mall security. Make sure you spring for the "Insurance" this time.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will see extra income from the minimum wage hike this week, only to see it taken right back out of your paycheck in taxes to fund various military outings and from the your insurance company that just happened to increase your premium. You might seriously consider becoming Canadian.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Sometime this week, you will get the nagging feeling that people are staring at you. You won't notice until you get home that you had a booger on your face AND your fly was down.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Someone will make $4,500 on Ebay selling a baseball card your mom threw out five years ago today. They'll be happy they dumpster dived while you eat your third bowl of Ramen noodle this week.

Today's birthday (July 26). Your mom will reminisce about the night nine months prior to this day when she got drunk at a party and met your dad.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Everyone is afraid to tell you that your new deodorant isn't really working. Stick to the Old Spice.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). After a really bad day at school or work, you will go home and consume and entire half gallon of Rocky Road iced cream and never speak of it to anyone you know.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). That wasn't a sprinkle, it was a rat dropping. Go get tested for diseases.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will spend your weekend gleefully commenting "You're fat" and "You're gay" on ever YouTube video that happens to cross your mouse. And then you will be hit by a bus. But if you don't do that, you'll hit the lotto. (Exception: If you've already posted the ending to "Harry Potter" anywhere on the internet, both things will happen.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You are really two sizes larger than you think you are. You should go to the store and buy a shirt that fits.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). This week, an angel will find you......doing naughty things while looking at the newly released pictures of Britney doing something skanky. The angel will come back later, when you have better taste in women.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You have a secret admirer. Too bad it's your cousin.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Don't bite that hand that feeds you. You don't know where that hand has been!

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.