Horrorscope July 19-26

Weekly Horrorscope
July 19-July 26
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). The person of your dreams will pass you in your car and you'll be too busy picking your nose to see them. (And yes, they will see you wiping it on your passenger seat.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will be under a lot of stress this week when you find out who the father actually is.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will see a really good movie this week, but the people who come into the public restroom after you will wonder what you ate for dinner last night.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will accidentally kick your cat this week when you are late and scrambling to get out the door. Secretly, you will like it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). A fantastically-written show will be canceled because your set has a secret Nielson rating monitor, and all you watch is crappy reality TV.

Today's birthday (July 19). You will get an impersonal giftcard from someone you know, simply because you bought them one for their birthday last year. They don't even like you!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). This week, a dolphin will choke to death on a plastic six-pack holder that you neglected to cut apart four years ago. I hope you're happy.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your neighbor will catch a glimpse of your naked rear end when you forget to close the blinds. Why aren't you wearing any clothes while you make a sandwich, anyhow? It's not sanitary.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You've been putting on weight, you should really consider a new exercise plan – or at least a salad.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You're not going to have it "Your Way" this week. A cook will drop your hamburger bun on the floor and brush like nothing happened.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your girlfriend is using you for your X-Box. Dump the zero and get a hero – she'll really like the Nintendo Wii better.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18).You will have a slightly upset stomach from because you unknowingly swallowed a spider in your sleep last night. Try not to sleep with your mouth hanging open next time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). When is the last time you got carwash? Someone wrote "Wash Me" in the dirt on your back bumper three weeks now and you haven't even noticed.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.