Wiccan Chicken

Welcome & Parental Advisory

2009-09-15T00:57:00.000-07:00

Please be aware - this website might contain material meant for mature teens and adults. It pokes fun at religion, politics, and your MOM (because she's fat.)

If your parents don't let you watch movies with curses in them or if you don't have a good sense of humor, please do not proceed forward. You have been warned.

-Jersey Fresh Management

Happy Friday the 13th Card

2008-06-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

HorrorScopes May 30-June 5

2008-05-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

HorrorScopes May 30 - June 5
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Warming something frozen up in the microwave does not make you a chef. Besides, roadkill should really be grilled or at least deep fried in lard.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your ass has exceeded the weight limit of your pants. Next time, invest in a forklift as an accessory.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your neighbors can smell your laundry hamper from their living room. You should probably pull grandma out of there before they call the cops.

Today's Birthday (May 30): As you try to take a bite out of your birthday cake, someone will come up next to you and punch you in the face.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Do the world a favor and skip that onion bagel in the morning. Oh, you didn't have an onion bagel? Then what the heck are you brushing your teeth with - armpits?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will get your snout stuck in a jar trying to get "Hunny". You will panic and slowly asphyxiate.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are depleting the world's water supply with your horribly dry sense of humor.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You better watch your step. This level has lava pits. And no magic mushrooms.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Try to shake things up a little bit. But not babies. You should really stop shaking babies, it's rude.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will invent colon-lingus. You might wanna try flossing afterwards.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might think you are dark and mysterious, but really you're more awkward and creepy. I mean, what kind of person gets aroused driving past cemeteries?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your childhood scars are not an excuse to be a douchebag all the time. But your face is. Oh!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Life has been rough for you lately, so you should let loose and do something wild. Like maybe get a new haircut or kick a puppy.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless you're a woman. Then you have to buy a smaller size of it, in every color, and only wear it once and complain about it the whole time.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Food and Its Lack of Pyramids

2008-05-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

The [Jersey] Devil's Playthings:
Food and Its Lack of Pyramids
by J.D., Devil Extraordinaire

You know what? Things are too complicated. Specifically, food.

The other day, my wife, Sphinx, was saying I should eat more salad, because it has fruits and vegetables in it. And I said, there’s no fruit, it’s all vegetables: tomato, lettuce, Bacos, whatever. And then she said that tomatoes are technically a fruit. Do you believe that? Then how come fruit salads have melon and grapes and stuff, and not tomatoes then, huh?

It gets worse. Wic came home from school the other day, and he said they made him memorize something called the “Food Pyramid” and he started telling how fruits, vegetables, grain, and cheesedoodles all have special hierarchies. Now, I don't know much about royalty, but the only food I have heard of being a hierarchy is Crown Fried Chicken. Or maybe that Burger King guy. Man, that dude is creepy. So anyhow, I wanted to make sure Wic's teachers weren't feeding him B.S., so I asked Sphinx if the ancient Egyptians drew diagrams of food on their pyramids. She probably doesn't know either, because she just gave me the finger.

The way I see it, we shouldn’t be a Food Pyramid, we should have a Food Box. Let's start here with my diarrhea-rama:

Ya see, fruits and vegetables are all the same. I don’t know the difference, neither does anyone else. So let’s just eliminate vegetables. Celery and asparagus and ketchup and whatever can all be fruit. Also, most furniture is a fruit. You see, since wood comes from trees, which comes from the ground, so they are also fruit. And you know what, just to round everything out, I am going to say that dirt is also, unmistakably, fruit.

Wic says another category is bread and cereal. That’s stupid. Bread comes from grains, I know that much, and grain comes from the ground, just like marijuana, they're all obviously fruits. Just like Sphinx's friend Bigfoot. I think in the case of Bigfoot, he is classified as a fruit because he wears pink. Anything with pink in it should be a fruit. So, I guess women are all fruits as well.

Now here is when it gets a little more complicated:

So, obviously, for the other stuff: you have to kill it, so it’s an animal. Cows and pigs and deer and Rosie O'Donnel are all animals. So they’re the other side of the Box. That’s the part I eat too much of, and I know it. My Food Box tilts to the right, I guess, like this:

So, I showed this to Sphinx, and she just shook her head, and said, get this, “What about dairy?” so I said, “Easy! Eggs are animals. Cheese is fruit.” Right? Eggs, you murder for food. That's why they are so delicious. And cheese isn't alive, so it's fruit. Except for that maggot cheese Penny likes so much. That's technically classified "animal" because it wriggles.

The only point Sphinx made was with stuff like Mountain Dew and Mashmallow Peeps and aspirin. Now, according to the bottle, Mountain Dew has some orange juice in it, so that’s definately a fruit. As for Peeps, they're obviously animals because they are shaped like animals - the same theory applies to animal cookies, gummy bears, and most importantly, pancakes with smilie faces on them. The real tricky one is the asprin. I don't know what the hell that is, so I’ve gotta make the box bigger.

That’s the Chemical section. Since our society has advanced so much, we have exceeded Nature's Natural Food Box and added chemicals to help society. That's why we're all so smart now and live so long and stuff. So, if you don't wanna die, you need to make sure to get your daily intake of the Chemical box. And these days, you can get fruit that has been enriched with chemicals and stuff so you can kill two birds with one stone. And then you can eat the bird, too, but I wouldn't eat the stone, because then that would be too much fruit.

Okay, that’s all from me. Glad to be of help. Pass it on to you know, Moses or whoever built the Food Pyramid. Maybe they’ll change it.

HorrorScopes May 23-29

2008-05-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes May 23-29
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). No, you can't ease your financial woes by selling your half-eaten sandwich on E-bay.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will watch Watermelon Nights about 35 times before you start weeping because you aren't a cute, happy, singing watermelon...you're just shaped like one.

Today's Birthday (May 23): You share the same birthday as Drew Carey. Good, now there is at least one thing interesting about you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will step in poo this week and kinda like it. It will become a new livelong fixation that will get you a prime spot on a Jerry Springer ripoff show.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Nice gas guzzling vehicle you drive there, Al Gore. You know what they say about large carbon footprints...small carbon-based manhoods.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your unusual sexual desires are not normal and you should seek help.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your pack rat tendencies are becoming a nuisance to your friends and family. What the heck are you going to do with 75 Chinese food containers with no lids and four metric tons of twist ties?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). That burger you ate last week was made out of people. If it's any consolation, they weren't really nice people. Well, except for one of them. She was really sweet and always recycled.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Every time you Google yourself, a baby kitten dies.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your body isn't full of "love bumps". Those are just rolls of hideous fat. And possibly tumors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Money matters might have you under stress this month. You can always just sell a kidney, or maybe one of your children. Or some of your childrens' kidneys!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Since spring is in the air, now is a good time to refresh your wardrobe, and that even includes your undergarments. At the moment, your underwear has more tracks than your local railroad.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). It's time for a career change! Before you send out your generic resume to a zillion companies, try to make sure you take down that photo of you pretending to felicitate the Ronald McDonald statue that comes up on Google image searches.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes May 16-22

2008-05-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes May 16-22
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to de-stress by taking a leisurely walk, meditating, or practicing some light yoga. If you don't, your heart will explode inside of your chest and they will find your rotting corpse permanently adhered to the computer where your face burned into the LCD monitor.

Today's Birthday (May 16): You share a birthday with Janet Jackson! You also coincidentally have similar family backgrounds, including a brother that enjoys wearing sequins and molesting children and possibly monkeys. And monkey children wearing sequins.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will launch into another Get Rich Quick scheme which will leave you with about 3,000 custom-designed watermelon stress balls. I know, I know, it sounded like a good idea at the time...

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you keep walking around barefoot at your gym, you're going to spawn a new form of foot fungus that burns painfully but tastes delicious on pizza.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get replaced by a 20-year old that gets paid half your salary but gets work done three times as efficiently at your job. Don't worry, you can always get a job as one of those senior-citizen Walmart greeters!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Hey, is that actually your real hair?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You really need to focus on setting some goals in your life. Start by eating some healthy food with a proper knife, fork, and plate rather than those sporks they give you at KFC when they hand you your plastic bowl filled with cheese, mashed potatoes, and chicken neck mixture.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). It should be a fairly busy week for you with lots of phone calls, conversations and contacts with many different people dominating your agenda. You know, the bill collectors wouldn't bother you so much if you just paid off that gym equipment you bought and never used.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Just throw out that pair of jeans – you were never able to fit your fat ass into them quite right anyhow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your selfishness will be at an all-time high this week when you steal quarters from your friends' couch cushions to buy yourself a dozen donuts that you will eat alone in your apartment like some ravenous hyena.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In fact, the average American uses between 300 and 700 plastic bags per year. You can help the environment by picking out one favorite plastic bag, putting it over your head, and breathing deeply.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Some people can bounce a quarter off their stomach. Amazingly enough, quarters can actually orbit around the small planet you used to call your midsection.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You need to work on your self-esteem or you will be doomed to dating the leechy, sociopathic, moronic losers that you seem to always draw into your life. These days it's like flies to shit, so you need to either get some bug spray or watch your fiber intake.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you keep your feet firmly on the ground at all times, you'll probably ave trouble putting on your pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes May 9-May 15

2008-05-09T13:31:00.002-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes May 9-May 15

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

Special Note: Since Wiccan Chicken has a major beak surgery this week. I will be handling the HorrorScopes, so don't worry, they won't be watered down by his P.C. sensibilities. You'll get nothin' but the truth, kids.

Today's Birthday (May 9). You're an assface.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You're a buttmunch.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your mother's a whore.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You're a liar.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You are also a liar.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your pants are on fire.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You nose is a long as a telephone wire.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You smell funny.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You look funny.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You aren't funny.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You. You're the worst of them all.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Eh, I got no problem with you. You're pretty cool.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Oh, don't even get me started on your crazy ass.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Pagan Penguin has her period. I'm not saying anything.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes May 2-8

2008-05-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes May 2-8
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (May 2). You will be desperately craving attention all week, so you’ll post numerous MySpace bulletins threatening to commit suicide due to your lousy, lonely birthday. For once, friends will actually respond to your pleas and offer you helpful tips on how to do the job right.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should delete all the songs on your hard drive that remind you of the dysfunctional relations you had with your ex. Not only do you need to let go, but all those songs were illegal downloaded and some guys from recording industry are hot on your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Try not to shoot the messenger this week when you receive some bad news. It’s really not the pizza guy’s fault that the shop won’t honor your ripped, coffee-stained, expired 5% off coupon. Man, you are a cheapskate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Jealousy will get the best of you when you realize that all of your friends make more money than you, but are far more stupid. Rather than getting mad, you should just anonymously call their bosses to alert them of their office mischief, and then go ahead and apply for their jobs.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your crotch reeks of dog saliva and peanut butter today. Any reason for that?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You can learn a lot if you listen to people that are older and wiser than you. For instance, too many prunes can seriously give you diaper rash, Viagra has a higher market value than most hookers, and if you pretend you pass out, the nurse at the Assisted Living Center will usually stop beating you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will roam the world searching for your one true love, but you’ll just end up kissing a lot of toads that give you genital warts.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your parents found your stash and they’re keeping it all for themselves.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Scorpio female: You will receive an interesting surprise this week when you find a picture of your ex-boyfriend in the arms of another man that you also used to date. You sure know how to convert the masses - at that rate, you should practice religion! Scorpio male: You should evaluate your proposals this week, namely the ones involving a diamond ring. Make sure it’s the right size; that means at least three carets with a solid platinum band. That's what you get for dating a high-maintenance girlfriend. She’s not really a blond, you know.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your employer will switch your seating arrangements so you’re stuck next to the guy that hums the “Sesame Street Theme Song” incessantly. Oh, well, at least you don’t need to sit next to that person that smells like Parmesan cheese anymore. Oh, wait...That’s you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Don’t be afraid or too shy to show others how valuable you are. You can charge your clients at least $5 more for your famous “Happy Ending Specials”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will feel like running away on a vacation, but your finances won’t allow such an indiscretion. Maybe, if you sit really close to the TV during LOST, you can pretend that you are on a lovely island surrounded by a big fat guy wearing Hawaiian trunks and bitchy doctors, just like a real vacation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will experience difficulties with people you have to work with, but what do you expect at the graveyard shift at Denny’s?

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Negotiations with a significant others usually lead to new and interesting developments that usually include unwanted pregnancies.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Free Mean Glitter Graphic

2008-04-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

The Free Glitter Graphic that Says it All

HorrorScopes April 25-May 1st

2008-04-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes April 25-May 1st
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (April 24). Happy Birthday to you and Barbra Streisand! I see that neither of you have received nose jobs for your birthday. That's too bad.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your judgment will be clouded by a mysterious source. It’s the from a poison gas cloud in your basement. Tell your roommate to quit mixing chemicals down there.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will hurt yourself doing something really stupid, so you should fabricate an interesting story now so you don’t look like a moron when you come in to work next week with a neck brace. Perhaps you can say you were attacked by a bear while trying to save a group of Cub Scouts from a forest fire that was started by a freak marshmallow roasting accident? Or maybe you hurt yourself trying to push a blind old lady with a heart of gold out of the way of an oncoming locomotive that was engulfed in flames from the radioactive toasted forest fire marshmallows? Or better yet, you hurt yourself when you tried to steal the last bag of marshmallows out of a blind old lady’s shopping cart and a bunch of Cub Scouts saw the whole thing and beat you up in the parking lot? Oh, wait, that’s actually what’s going to happen. Man. You’re a tool.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might have a major falling out with one of your friends over a difference of opinion. If you take it “Step by Step” and keep “Hangin’ Tough”, you should be able to say “Please Don’t Go, Girl,” and she’ll say, “Let’s Try It Again”. In the end, there is no way to prove whether Jordan is actually cuter than Donnie anyhow since they both have “The Right Stuff”.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). This week you will have a moment of clarity. Your job sucks, you significant other hates you, everyone is using you, and there is nothing you can do about it. At least you’ll never be accused of being “over optimistic”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Some people in your life might not be impressed with your ideas right now. It's because your ideas are typically stupid, but no one is brave enough to tell you because you also have some pretty severe anger management issues.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will receive some money very soon. You should donate some funds to a local charity before you blow it on something stupid like a Beer Pong Table or that stripper that pretends to care about your feelings.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, you’re not supposed to feel that way, ever. That’s totally not normal. Seek help.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You should really take better care of your health. Cheetos might be orange, but that doesn’t mean that they actually contain any traces of Vitamin C.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your socks are on backwards. What, you didn’t know socks had to go on a certain “way”? Man, your mamma didn’t raise you right!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will feel like running away from the world and joining the circus. Unfortunately the circus if full of enough freaks, they really need some stable people to run the show, and the only thing you can run is your hideously deformed mouth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your house was built on an Indian burial ground, why you occasionally smell the delicious aromas of curried chicken and mango chutney through your halls. Oh, you thought I meant American Indian? No way, you’d probably be carved into some kind of ceremonial mask or gourd or something by now! You’re pretty safe as long as you try to keep steak and burgers out of your house. I mean, you don’t eat steak, do you? Oh, man, you’re in trouble….

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A male Capricorn will lie to you and try to scam you out of a ton of money. It’s okay to smack him in the head with a rock, he deserves it. Also, don’t forget to floss.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Marriage is like a game of poker – you start with a pair and end up with a full house. This also requires a lot of bluffing.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes April 18-April 24

2008-04-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (April 17). Not only do you share Daffy Duck's Birthday, but you share his
manic, explosive personality and his slight speech impediment.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your all-or-nothing attitude will get you in trouble when your stomach explodes at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. You shouldn't have had that extra shrimp-filled cream puff.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will always be the one that ends up stuck with the check at the end of the meal because people didn't account for tax and tip. Your friends suck, and you are a sucker. You'd be better of sitting in your apartment eating Ramen Noodle alone. In the dark. Straight from the pot. With a spork.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Try to restrain yourself when you get into an argument later this week. You really have better things to do than try to find some place to destroy dental records and stash a body.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Spring is in the air, which means its time for romance and of course, seasonal allergies. Before you decide to play tonsil hockey with your current cutie, take an allergy pill so you don't end up sneezing your pollen-filled booger-cocktail right in their face. Unless of course, they like that sort of thing as a part of foreplay.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be in the mood for a little excitement today, but you should really move past your adolescent days of cow tipping and leaving flaming bags of dung on your neighbor's doorstep. Perhaps you can do something fun, but more adult, like...trying a new flavor of frozen yogurt or getting a bad-assed bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is a Broomstick" or something. Now THAT'S living on the edge.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your level of procrastination will be at an all-time high when your mountain of paperwork falls over and nearly suffocates you this week. Even though you will narrowly escape death this time, you'll still die sometime next week when the paper cut you receive becomes infected and poisons your blood.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Try to focus on your family this week and remember whose birthday are you forgetting. Also, try to buy them a creative gift from the heart, since they'll lose whatever generic gift card you buy them and blame you for being impersonal later.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a tendency to be overcritical and you're not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick of skin (or as thick of a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might think no one likes you, but it’s just that you’ve been partying so hard lately that your tolerance for ruffies is way above normal. If you really want to feel “wanted”, try to ask for a higher dosage so the college kids can relieve some stress with your passed out body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be extremely famous. Even after your death, you will be on permanent display at the Philadelphia Mutter Museum as the record holder for the most amount of venereal diseases contracted at one time. Also, someone will tattoo a picture of a penis on your face in your sleep.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone you work with will try to set you up with their frumpy, overly religious, piano-recital loving, home-schooled, socially inept, Republican cousin. It's the best you can do, so go for it!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try not to be so darned chipper on Monday mornings. You overly positive attitude will make people around you feel nauseous, until you start to feel violently nauseous in the coming weeks. It's not bad sushi - it's the voodoo doll an embittered coworker created of you.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: The secretary is never a permanent fixture until she is screwed on a desk.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes April 11-17

2008-04-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes April 11-April 17

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). My crystal ball says that you drink far too much soda. I can't read any more because of all the bubbles. Oh, wait, I see it...you also burp and fart too much. I don't need my crystal ball to see that this is all related.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Someone in your immediately family will fall off of a cliff and leave you a large inheritance. Unfortunately, rather than large monetary gains, you will receive a large pitbull that likes to nuzzle next to a pile of bones that he collected from the "Missing" neighborhood children.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). One of your children will go missing. You might want to ask the Taurus that lives next door to you about it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). FYI, your nickname at work is "The Old Man". No one wants to hear your long, rambling, non-nonsensical stories. Also, no one wants to hear about your experiences with buying Viagra and "pumps" through e-mail direct-marketing campaigns. I can't believe you gave those people your credit card number...

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will finally finish off the last of the candy in your Easter Basket, and you will continue to feel resentful that you did not receive any orange Cadbury Creme Eggs this year. Also, the mall Easter Bunny asked us to tell you to please stop calling him; his name is actually Joe and you're really freaking out his wife. How the hell did you get his number, anyhow?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There has been a large crime-spree in your neighborhood. You might want to finally change those locks, or at least booby trap your house with buckets of paint. That's what Macaulay Culkin did to avoid perpetrators and molesters, and we all know how his life turned out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Stop trying to be such a people-pleaser. I know you're trying to make everyone happy, but you're just coming across as a high-strung ass-kisser. Also, try to cut down on all the blow you're doing. It's just no good.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will try a new fad diet in the coming weeks. In the end, the only weight you'll lose will be in your wallet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will make the world a better place when you tragically die at a young age.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might want to try something new this week, like showering and maybe even brushing your teeth. And while you're off the couch, perhaps you might want to look into purchasing some dignity and self respect?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might say you have a clear conscience, but really, you just have a bad memory.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If April Showers bring May Flowers, the April Shit-Storms you are going to get stuck in will bring you rolls and rolls of May Flowery-Printed Toilet Paper. Unfortunately, the flusher will be broken until at least June. You might as well pick up a few magazines to read because it's not ending soon.

Today's Birthday (April 11). Your birthday cake will light your eyebrows on fire, but you won't notice until the flames have consumed much of the hair on your head. Eh, your hairline was starting to recede, anyhow.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: A woman that is laid in a tomb might someday become a mummy.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes April 4-10

2008-04-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes April 4-April 10

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). A very attractive person will hit on you this week, but beware, they have more miles on them than your dad's old car.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will spend your entire weekend ripping up grass from your flower bed, only to replace it with different grass that is supposedly "ornamental". Some people call that gardening. but really, that's just insane.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will notice a strange lump on your side. That's your significant other.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy level will be high this week, but try to avoid starting projects that you can't finish, since you will go back to being your same, lazy self in a few days.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your attention will be in million places this week. except for the road. The police, however, will have seen the whole thing.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will be challenged with intense and complex issues, mainly concerning the debate over whether to buy chunky or smooth peanut butter. You know, if you had a better job, you could afford to buy both.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Avoid being pulled into an intense disagreement that is fueled by fear of the unknown. In other worlds, avoid speaking to Republicans in general.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will soon have the opportunity to be earning a little more money, however, prostitution is still illegal in most states, especially if you are prostituting your own family members against their will.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Don't look a gift horse in the mouth this week. They actually have huge teeth that could chew your entire face off.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your dreams will have a great significance this week, since you will one and for all realize that you can never achieve them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make sure you pamper yourself this week, since you're going to have a slight accident in public. And if Pampers are too small for your fat butt, I'm sure Depends works as well.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). The combination of certain planetary forces may affect us in mysterious ways. In your case, they give you bad gas.

Today's Birthday (April 4) On this day in history, Martin Luther King, Jr. died. He had a dream that changed lives, whereas, you have dreams that stain your pajama pants.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: She who finds happiness found a man who has no spine.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes March 28-April 3

2008-03-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes March 28-April 3

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will receive a lot of compliments on your current outfits. Too bad you're only looking good because everyone bought you clothing for birthday and you'll just go back to wearing greasy sweatpants in a week or two.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone hates those ego-centric stupid online surveys you post. No one wants to know your favorite sexual position, so stop telling the world.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will get excited when you find a treasure map, and after pulling together a highly-trailed team of excavators, you will discover that the map is simply a maze from the back of an old cereal box.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will have a pretty severe misunderstanding with a loved one this week. You might want to prepare your own food for a while and sleep with a gun under your pillow.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, they did find the sex tape. They laughed, they cried, and they made copies.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A winning lottery ticket will end up disintegrating in the pants pocket of your favorite jeans somewhere between the rinse and spin cycle. Also, those jeans are not shrinking, your ass is just growing.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Family matters might come to a forefront in your life this week. You might as well ignore them since they all hate you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your next relationship will surely end because of an ill-timed text message.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might want to do a little spring cleaning in the next few weeks. Replace your heating filter, clean your fish tank, get your oil changed, and for goodness sake, throw out the phone number of that person you met at a bar a few months ago. You've been leaving pathetic messages on the answering machine of an 85-year old woman, and she doesn't even want to go grab a cup of coffee with you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Stop being so defensive. Constructive criticism is useful tool, especially since you are genuinely acting like a douche bag.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might be looking for some excitement right now, but pissing on electric fences is generally not a good idea.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try to make some positive changes in your life this week. Start by dumping your significant other before you get too comfortable and start spawning their hideous offspring.

Today's Birthday (March 28). On this day in history, Virginia Woolf committed suicide after becoming depressed and hearing voices in her head. At least the voices in your head only make you kill other people, not yourself.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: You don't get something for nothing in this word, except when you steal it out of your neighbor's backyard.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes March 21- 27

2008-03-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes March 21- 27

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Special Note: If any of you are experiencing difficulties with your HorrorScope iGoogle Gadget, we just found out that the problem is on Google's end. Apparently. they are having trouble fixing anything since thousands of locusts and frogs have invaded the Google Corporate Offices. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You are the type of person that would agonize over the color of the curtains even if your house was on fire. Try to look at the big picture rather than worrying about little details, unless than little detail involves your cat’s tail and an open flame..

Taurus (April 20-May 20). No matter how much you hope and pray, a giant tornado will not whip by and suck up your least favorite presidential candidate. But you are in luck! A gusty wind will catch the hem of Hilary's skirt and you will see more than just her plans for Universal Health Care.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). When faced with a decision, listen to your gut. It's telling you to eat a salad that isn't covered in meat, refried beans, and taco sauce.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It might be time for a vacation, even if it is just for a day or two. If you don't relax soon, your coronary artery will explode, causing you to go into great distress and making an awful mess on the carpet in your office.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). This week will bring you great sorrow. Yes, your mother-in-law is in town.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your future looks very bright, especially since the light it coming from the high beams of an 18-wheeler heading straight towards you on an icy day.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you are planning to have dinner over a relative's house this week, make sure you invest in some prune juice, less your aunt's pot roast clog up your pipes for the next week. Avoid riding in buses or crowded trains, please...for the sake of the children!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your failed artistic aspirations continually you starving, penniless, and unable to keep a girlfriend. Get a real job, hippy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your overly bubbly attitude gives everyone you know a headache. Looking at the glass half full all the time doesn't make you optimistic, it makes you a moron.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Although you think you are a born leader, the rest of the world sees you for the pushy asshole that you really are. You will die with your shriveled junk in your hand and no one will attend your funeral.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are generally business savvy, but selling your own organs on the black market is probably not a good idea. Considering how much you drink, no one wants any of your organs anyhow.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Sure. midget porn might not be illegal, but involving goats, handcuffs, and alter boys might raise the eyebrows of the local authorities.

Today's Birthday (March 21): Since you were born on the equinox you have a tendency to display erratic behavior as your fire and water signs do battle. At the end of the day, all you end up producing at the end of the day is a lot of steam and even more gas.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes March 14-20

2008-03-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes March 14 - 20

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You have good manners because you weren't born in a barn. That doesn't mean you weren't conceived in one.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You need to be more realistic with your outlook in life. Appearing in your friend's wedding footage giving a drunken speech to a bunch of old people isn't enough of a body of work to constitute telling everyone you know that you're an "actor".

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You are a troubled person. But nobody really cares about your problems, so we're not even going to bother getting into them.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). So...has your doctor called to let you know the news yet?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Some type of mammal will pee on you leg and then attempt to hump it. You will probably enjoy it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You might try to fool the world by acting like a badass, but everyone saw you crying at that stupid girlie movie last week. Come on now, it wasn't even supposed to be sad!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will uncover secrets so shocking, so scandalous, so titillating that your world will be changed forever. It's pretty sad that you let Spanish soap operas govern your feelings so much.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your SPAM filter will block an important e-mail, thus changing your life forever. You could have saved 30-40% on Viagra!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). This week, you will spend at least five minutes reading your horoscope, and you will be amazed when your realize how accurate and appropriate it is to your life at the moment. You will also continue reading your horoscope long after it is over, therefore wasting precious minutes of your life that you could be spending picking your crotch.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). There are at least seven people in this world that are plotting to kill you. At least two of them live in your house.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your vagina is haunted by the murder/suicide that took place "in there".

Today's Birthday (March 14): Happy Pi Day! What, you didn't realize you were born on 3-14? That's why you are naturally good at math, and naturally horrible at anything that requires social skills.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Although "Super Poking" people might be fun on Facebook, it's probably not appropriate to perform any of these actions in real life. Sheep are actually pretty heavy.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes March 7-13

2008-03-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes March 7 - 13

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Just when you think everything has already gone horribly wrong, you'll find out the true meaning of "koro".

Taurus (April 20-May 20). As the sign of the bull, we are aware that you don't like change, but you should consider changing your lightbulbs once they burn out. your oil every 3,000 miles, and your underwear at least once a week.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your dentist secretly uses photos of your mouth as the “before” picture.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you want people to respect you, try wearing navy blue since studies show that people associate that color with power and leadership. You might also want to try to start wearing pants, yanno, in general.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). When you are in bed with your partner, they imagine Hayden Christensen instead of you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Saying “Giggity, giggity, giggity” all the time won’t make you as cool as Quagmire – it’s just liable to get you punched in the face.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, the short guy at the coffee shop is a leprechaun - he suffers a rare bone disorder. Quit harassing him to find out where he hid his gold.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). An old flame will come back into your life and make you a bit uncomfortable. If lighting your farts in the 8th grade didn't go so well, what makes you think today will be any different?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Wow, you're wearing a cute outfit today! It would look fantastic on a more attractive person.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19).You somehow manage to make the entire world around you burst with laughter. Unfortunately, they're laughing AT you, not with you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In your lifetime, you have eaten 487 chicken necks, 169 beef rectums, and 247 miscellaneous ground-up eyeballs. You might want to consider cooking for yourself or adding some more vegetables to your diet, or at least stop ordering “scrapple” at your local Denny’s.

Today's Birthday (March 2): Happy Birthday! Although you share the birthday of Dr. Seuss, your poem, "One Bitch, Two Bitch, Red Bitch, Dead Bitch" doesn't quite bring the same joy to families around the world.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You will never be sad and alone because losers tend to flock to you. I take that back. You'll never be alone.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes February 29-March 6

2008-02-29T22:05:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes February 29 - March 6
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). For some reason, everything around you will kind of smell like chicken soup. Don't worry, it's not actually chicken soup...it's just a new brain tumor.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will entertain all of your co-workers with an impersonation of your boss. They'll be even more entertained by the expression on your employer's face as he walks up behind you without your knowledge.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Even though the human body is about 61.8 percent water, you have somehow managed to be comprised of about 78% fat-free butter substitute. I always wondered what that stuff was made of—apparently it's YOU.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Every time you jack off to a YouTube video, a baby kitten dies. This also happens when you leave nasty, irrelevant comments with spelling and grammatical errors... except that the baby kitten gets smashed alive, ground into a fine powder, and mixed in with your dinner.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Every office copier has been misappropriated at least 47 times in its lifespan. Despite the temptation, don't let your butt become another statistic.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You secretly enjoy the smell of your own farts. And the farts of others. Your just a fart-o-phile.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A Gemini will rub you the wrong way this week. Next time, use lube, or at least hypoallergenic lotion.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You will look like a complete jerk when you run into someone who knows you, and no idea who they are. Rather than pretending to know who they are, just tell them that you didn't recognize them with their clothes on.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you need to whine and complain, talk to your plants. They are the only living thing that can actually benefit from all the hot air coming out of your mouth.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In all your past lives, you were just as dull, stupid, and insignificant as you are today, but you were much less ugly.

Today's Birthday (February 29th): You might already know that your birthday is on a Leap year, but did you know that it's also a bissextile day? Really, look it up. See, so now you have an excuse for what you did at that party....it's like you get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card every four years!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Yes, you do have weird looking toes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have a really mean and ruthless boss that constantly verbally abuses you. Too bad you work for yourself. They make pills for that, you know.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes February 22-28

2008-02-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes February 22 - February 28
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). An over-ambitious impulse will leave you tired, sore, and broke. Rather than trying to save the entire world at once, perhaps you should start small...like rinsing out your freaking yogurt cups before you recycle them. The people down at the Plastics Remanufacturing Plant think you're gross.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone you know will let you down because they just don't care about anything that isn't fed to them by the local cable networks. The sooner you realize that the world is full of a bunch of lazy slackers that only look to use you, the sooner you will escape...by hanging yourself.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The reason the guy at the checkout line gives you the stink eye isn't because he's racist or jealous of your "cool hair". For almost two years, you've been on the Local Convience Store Union's blacklist for abusing the "Leave a Penny, Take a Penny" tray. Also, your hair is not cool. It's a little gay, actually.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy could be a little low today, but instead of guzzling caffeine, perhaps you could use some healthy exercise. Hey, maybe you should piss off the local biker gang by calling them a bunch of goat-humpers...that will at least get you a jog.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could use some more fiber in your diet. And perhaps a breath mint.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Whatever you decide to spawn will grow up to use you, resent you, and eventually destroy you. Better to throw yourself down a flight of stairs or stand infront of the microwave to save yourself a life time full of trouble.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Rather than buying peoples’ kids five cheap things from the Dollar Store, just buy them a freaking $5 giftcard to Toys-R-Us or something. Sure, you’ll still look like a cheap bastard, but at least the kids won’t get lead poisoning and/or choke to death on the cheaply-fabricated toys that were made by other five-year olds.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will tear apart your entire house looking for your keys or cell phone only to find them deposited securely in your coat pocket - the place you first checked. You're not crazy...it's the gnomes that live in your house messing with you again.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). When you are dropping all your bombs in your workplace toilet, you should really conduct an occasional courtesey flush to spare the guests in the adjacent stall. Not everyone else in the world should have to smell yesterday's bacon grease breakfast mixed with a Mexican lunch, and the lard-stuffed-microwave-meat-pies you call "dinner".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your lifetime, at least three people have woken up next to you and regretted the night before. At least you still got laid, if you can even call it that.

Today's Birthday (February 22nd): On this day, Samuel Byck tries and fails to assassinate U.S. President Richard Nixon...exactly like your parents tried to assassinate you nine months earlier. Are you aware that you have an immunity to RU-486.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The only reason you’ve made it this far in the world is because of sheer luck, not talent. Better to play lotto in your case than ever try to do something that requires brains and actual abilities.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A freak accident with a medical waste truck will leave you with the nickname "Sperm Dumpster".

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes February 15-21

2008-02-15T09:43:00.001-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes February 15 - February 21
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to be a little more confident. If you held your head a little higher, you wouldn’t run into so much stuff, and you'll see that helicopter blade coming next week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel sociable and friendly today, but make sure you listen for once instead of rambling on and on about dumb crap as usual.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You naturally have a very short attention span and get easily distracted by trivial matters. If you want to get anywhere in life, you need to avoid shiny objects...especially street signs while you're driving.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It’s nice that you told that special someone how you really feel last week, but you probably should have left the part out about feeling bloated and gassy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your TiVo secretly judges you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit lying about your age/weight/annual income. Nobody really cares anyhow, and you look like a moron for bending the truth.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A black cat will cross your path. This isn’t a sign of bad luck – it’s just a sign that the crazy old lady down the street is feeding all the neighborhood animals again. You had better go talk to her before your back yard turns into a litter box.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Don't worry, that mole isn't cancerous - it's just a dead parasitic twin.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will have wild emotional ups and down this week, which will be frustrating for you and everyone in your immediate vicinity. Regardless of your gender, take a freaking Midol and calm your ass down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be groped on a subway.

Today's Birthday (February 15th): Happy Birthday! You will celebrate this special day by groping someone on a subway.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A horrible photo of you from 10 years ago will resurface in an e-mail forward. Sadly, it will still look better than your current MySpace photo. (You really need to work on your Photoshopping skills.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). No one wants to hear the graphic details of all of your past sexual conquests, especially when they involve peanut butter and your dog.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: People that live in glass houses should probably change their clothes in the basement.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Great Find: Chickens Run the School

2008-02-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

Great Sphinx Great Find: Chickens Run Local High School

Why is it that I somehow think my son, The Wiccan Chicken, is behind all of this Story from Philadelphia's ABC 6

NORTHEAST PHILADELPHIA - February 11, 2008 (WPVI) -- Northeast Philadelphia High School will be open on Tuesday following a fowl prank. Over the weekend someone put 85 of Rhode Island Red chickens inside the building. They caused a big mess, and sent students home early.

85 healthy hens, Rhode Island Reds, were laying eggs Monday afternoon at the city's Fox Chase Farm. They're calm and relaxed, but that's a far cry from the disruption they caused earlier in the day at Northeast High School, where the birds were used in a cruel and dirty prank.
Over the weekend chicken feed was spread all over the first and second floors of the school. Then, the birds were released, creating the predictable, unsanitary mess.

The foul play was not discovered until school officials arrived for classes Monday morning. Students got the picture as they arrived, and eventually, classes were cancelled for the entire student body.

School district officials say surveillance video shows four people wearing hoods to shield their identities as they spread the chicken feed, then released the seven-dozen healthy chickens into the hallway.

An expensive clean up effort was carried out all day, and the investigation goes on into who is responsible.
(Copyright ©2008 WPVI-TV/DT. All Rights Reserved.)

Photo by Steve Ford Elliott

HorrorScopes February 8-14

2008-02-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes February 8 - February 14
Valentine's Week Special
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Romance is not dead - you just slightly injured it when you bought that stupid Homer Simpson underwear.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). More people would send you Valentine's Day cards if you weren't so fat. You'd probably slim down a bit if chewed your food at least 20 times per bite, rather than just unhinging your jaw and devouring entire gazelles like you normally do.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Love is in the air, but you might feel like there is some distance between you and your mate. If you want to appear desirable, stop leaving the door open while you're on the can.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You'll get a sexy surprise next week that involves lingerie and edible underwear. Too bad your transvestite neighbor will be the one wearing the ensemble.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be a little short on cash this week, so instead of making an elbow-macaroni-and-glitter card, you might just want to write a poem from the heart. Make sure it does not start with "There once was a girl from Nantucket..."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit posting up blogs filled with melodramatic online surveys about how “you're going to spend Valentine's Day sad and alone because nobody loves you”. Although that might be true, fishing for compliments isn’t going to boost your self esteem, and in fact, it’s pissing off the few friends that you have.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Regardless of your gender, you might want to treat your significant other by actually shaving or trimming down some of that body hair of yours. Come on! Birds are starting to build nests in that thing.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You will receive a delicious box of chocolates from a secret admirer, and you will almost die when you take the first decadent bite. In addition, the sender of the package will also die by the hands of his wife because he sent her present to the wrong address.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you are looking for little gifts for your loved ones, try to avoid buying a ton of crappy, over-priced, heart-shaped stuffed animals that make obnoxious kissing noises. No one wants them, and those things are just stuffed with dust mites, cat hair, and wood chips anyhow.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Stealing flowers for your girlfriend from cemeteries is not an acceptable form of "Recycling", you bastard.

Today's Birthday (February 8th): Happy Birthday and Nirvana Day! No, Nirvana Day is not a day to celebrate Kurt Cobain...I'm pretty sure there's no National Heroine Day, but we'll see if that changes once we elect a new President.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you aren't dating or married to the person, you're little romantic gestures could be construed as "stalking", which is punishable in a court of law.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will fall for the marketing ploy of buying the cookies, pizzas and other junk that’s cut into heart-shapes pieces for the holiday, which will lead you to spend more money on less volume of food.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Absence makes the heart go wander.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope February 1-7

2008-02-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes February 1 - February 7

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might have just gotten paid, but don’t you dare head straight to the mall. If you can’t get someone to supervise your shopping and fashion choices, avoid spending this week. (Also, avoid sweatpants – they are not a fashion statement).

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you think you smell the winds of change, it’s probably just the wind coming out of your partner’s backside.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Attached Geminis: You will learn something new about your partners today: their birthday. Yeah, you missed it, so good luck with that. Single Geminis: You can feel good that they won’t be any trouble for you this week, but then again, nothing much will happen either since your life is typically mundane and uneventful.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you keep text messaging that much, your thumbs are going to break, develop gangrene, and fall off your body like shriveled little prunes. At least then you’ll save a couple bucks on your cell phone bill! You'll probably have a hard time opening jars, though....

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). This weekend, you will have a hot three-way – you, a large pepperoni pizza, and TiVo. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). No more caffeine for you! You're starting to look a little..twitchy.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Yes, those sunglasses DO make you look like a movie star. Elton John.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Congrats on the raise! You just got bumped up into a new annoying tax bracket! Rather than giving all your money to Uncle Sam, perhaps you should make a donation to a worthy cause. Just let the Pagan Penguin know your bank account number and she'll figure out something to do with it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Try to widen your social circle this week. All your current friends are losers that just use you for free rides to the mall.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Writing reviews of movies, books, albums on your blogs might make you feel like an intelligent critic, but you're really just a lazy ass that would rather criticize other people than do anything with your life. Before you criticize the mise-en-scene in the last episode of Ugly Betty, actually sit down, write a script, borrow your dad's video camera, shoot the film using your sister as the lead role, edit it together, attempt to compose your own musical score by clanging the two pots you own together, and then see if your little piece of art compares with what you get to watch on the networks for free.

Today's Birthday (February 1st): You and Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin share birthdays! You also share your crazy dance skills:

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! The age of Aquarius! Aquariuuuuuuuuuus! Aquariuuuuuuuus! In addition, for some reason, you will have an annoying song stuck in your head all week.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). When someone announces that they just got engaged, it's usually not appropriate to say, "My sincerest condolences," even if they are making a huge, huge mistake. Likewise, when you hear about someone's unfortunate passing, it's not appropriate to ask, "Will there be an open bar after we stick 'em in the ground?"

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope January 25-31

2008-01-24T10:44:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope January 25 - January 31
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Make the world a better place by bitch-slapping the next insolent teenie-bopper that rolls their eyes when you ask for whipped-cream on your latte. This whole "Me" generation crap has got to stop. If you are paying $5 for a cup of coffee, that should definitely include a free side of whoopass at your discretion.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You should always look both ways before you cross the street and more importantly, look in the mirror before you leave the house. That booger has been on your face ALL day.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The whole "It didn't count because it was in another zip code" thing is B.S. Your partner will find out that you cheated when that "other zip code’s" scabies rash shows up.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Why do you continually waste money diet and exercise books, DVD’s, and gym memberships? You know you're never gonna use them! You might as well just save your money and use it to buy more Cheetos or something.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, they are snickering about your purchase after you leave your local pharmacy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If you don't service your car soon, it's going to blow up in your face. Oh, I'm sorry, did we say car? We meant "wife".

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your landlord wouldn't keep your entire damage deposit if you just put something underneath your shaving cream can so the rust doesn't get on the shower ledge. 'Cuz you KNOW that's worth at LEAST $800 in landlord's terms....

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). All the garlic and beef you're eating is coming out of your pores and making you smell like a fat camp on a hot day. Mix up your diet a little if you ever want to get intimate with a real human.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your best friend will finally confess an embarrassing secret after months of bottling it all upside. Make sure you post it up on your blog tonight so we can all "feel their pain" - and laugh our freaking butts off.

Today's Birthday (January 24): Wow, you share the same birthday as Will Smith! As awesome as that is, you probably don't want to exchange gifts with Old Will, lest you end up with a Scientology Stress Test like he bought you LAST year.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you keep acting irresponsibly, you and Heath Ledger are going to have a lot in common - and we certainly don't mean great hair, a sexy smile, and a killer Australian accent.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone at the office has a crush on you. Clues: It's the person that keeps coming over just to ask you trivial questions...the person that laughs at all your jokes...Have you guessed yet? Okay, last clue: It's the person that keeps the heads of ex's in the freezer in the basement.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Everyone knows that your complaints that "life is holding you back" are just excuses because you're too stupid and lazy to actually do anything better. Change your attitude (and your underwear) and things will get better.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: There's nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course vaginal dentata.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope January 18-24

2008-01-19T00:06:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Always remember to always think before you act . If you've seen any film with Hayden Christensen, you would see an example of an Aries that NEVER thinks before he acts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't waste your money on that nose job, it will just call more attention to your beak. People will just say, “Hey, So-and-So got a nose job!” rather than “Wow, doesn’t So-and-So have a fine looking shnozz? I think it’s time to give them a raise.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Unless you have already seen Cloverfield, we suggest you get the heck off the internet and go see it before some vindictive a-holes post spoilers everywhere. You know, we didn't even have to be psychic about the end of Harry Potter - some jerk wrote it on the freaking bathroom stall door. Don't worry, shortly thereafter, he got hit by a bus (the guy that wrote on the bathroom door, not Harry Potter. Harry Potter gets eaten alive by a mongoose.)

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your complete lack of ethics would make you a great business person and an extraordinarily corrupt politician. I mean, look at what it did to your fellow Cancer buddy, George W. Bush?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You've always been a little bit psychic, which is why you are convinced that the CIA is tapping your phone calls. Really, your life is not that interesting, so that "funny feeling of being watched" is just your ISP logging your illegal downloads.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You've always held the attitude that if you want something done right, do it yourself. But since your toilet is still is leaking into your neighbor's living room and the computer you repaired still smells like burning plastic, why don't you scrap that idea and call a professional?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You are always very sympathetic to other peoples' problems and you care about the fate of the world a great deal. This makes you a complete sucker 80% more susceptible to online scammers.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Beware of papercuts from manila folders. They bleed FOREVER!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your lack of disciple will hurt you when you miss a deadline because of your drinking binge the night before. Your boss won't get as mad at you if you actually change out of your smoke-filled, beer/mystery stained party outfit this time.

Today's Birthday (January 18): Happy Birthday & Happy Winnie the Pooh Day. Feel free to binge on cake and cookies to celebrate these momentous occasions, but don't be surprised if your ass gets stuck in a window or when your snout gets lodged in a jar full of "Hunny".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Quit blaming your life's problems on your crappy childhood; your problems are caused by the simple fact that you're a complete moron.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You are extremely practical, which also makes you really boring. At times, people avoid you so they can escape your endless, pointless, dry conversations. Come on Aquarius - no one really wants to see those pictures from your damn kid's birthday party.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Pisces women might think they know what's best for people, but their know-it-all attitude comes off as more bitchy than helpful. You only have the right to criticize people that came screaming out your nether regions, so that includes your children, your husband, and that one-night stand that you probably don't remember. Pisces men should go get that lump examined.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This makes you very attractive to the deaf, dumb & blind.

Vegan Dessert Recipe: Frozen Banana Whips

2008-01-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

Banana Whips My Heart in Two!
by Wiccan Chicken

I recently discovered this recipe hanging out with my vegan friend who also has celiac disease, a condition which does not allow her to ingest wheat gluten. This cuts out a LOT of food choices, but somehow, she managed to amaze me with her cooking, especially a simple , healthy, low-fat dessert called "Banana Whips".

Step 1: When your bananas start to turn a little brown, peel them cut them and cut them into chunks (make sure you get rid of the bitter little "threads" that sometimes stick to the banana).

Step 2: Place banana chunks in a plastic bag/in plastic wrap and freeze them overnight.

Step 3: Place a handful of bananas in a food processor and process for about 3 minutes until they are the texture of thick yogurt. Serve immediately.

That's it - ONE ingredient. And I'm telling you, it tastes like frozen yogurt! The natural gums in bananas allow you to whip them into this tasty treat! Sometimes I like to add a tiny splash of gluten-free rice milk just to get the processor gears "Wet" in order to have an easier time blending.

Who needs ice cream when you can have a serving of fruit that tastes just like it? Fit, friendly, vegan, and gluten-free!

If you want to get fancy, you can also any combination of these variations (just make sure the mixture if mostly bananas or else it will fall apart):

-Add one large frozen strawberry to each 1/2 cup banana serving.
-Add one large chunk of frozen mango for each 1/2 cup banana serving, garnish with a lime to make it fancy!
-Add 2 Frozen Blackberries (the fruit, not the mobile device) in with each 1/2 cup banana serving. Even a small amount will turn your mixture into a nice purple color!
-Add 1/3 cup of finely chopped nuts (you can do it before or after freezing, or just use them as topping)
-Add 1/3 cup of toasted shredded coconut (you can do it before or after freezing, or just use them as topping)
-If you aren't afraid of calories, you can add some dairy-free chocolate shavings on top!

Mmmmm, delish, makes my beak water!

HorrorScope January 11-17

2008-01-10T15:16:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Now with 20% More Scorpio!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Think you're such a technological quiz? When why is it that you have not one, but FOUR "universal" remotes for your TV?

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't be afraid to spend a little money on yourself for basic needs. It's pretty sad when you match your socks based on the general faded color and location of holes. Follow this rule of thumb: If you can see you big toe, it's time to go.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Owning a deck of tarot cards doesn't automatically make you a witch. It takes hard work, study, and practice. But if you're interested, I have this really nice flying broomstick for sale, just do me a favor and jot down your credit card numbers right here.....

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It's really time for you sort through your junk mail. Handy tip: You can help save the environment by not only recycling the 8.5 million Victoria's Secret Catalogues you get per week, but reusing them for your drinking games, as advised by the beautiful Brooke Marks:

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Those overpriced Crest White Strips might make your teeth look brighter, but they sure as heck aren't helping the hideous gingivitis and black you are forming between your teeth. Floss - it's the law. Okay, maybe it's not, but it should be.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). That veal you ate last night would have grown up to be a leader amongst calves, a hero amongst all bovines, and a very handsome leather wallet.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). I don't care what you say about getting bitten by a "Beer Vampire;" the only reason you start insatiably craving booze when the sun goes down is because you're an alcoholic.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Sorry to break it to you, but there's no such thing as low-calorie mayo. It's just straight up cancer-butter they're smearing on your sandwich. And because we accidentally left you out last week, we figured we would give you a bonus fortune and let you know that there is no such thing as: The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, Chicken-Fried-Chicken, The Boogie Man, Santa, Scientologists, and Your Mother's Love.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You are going to have to lose the old student I.D. and save the embarrassment when someone denies you the discount. Come on, that picture is starting to look like aged papyrus...but now that you mention it, so do you!

Today's Birthday (January 10): You need to work on communicating better with your loved one. And that means, tell them what the hell you want for your birthday. Even the psychic penguin and chicken have no idea what the heck you want, so cut the crap and forward along your Amazon.com wishlist!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Many years ago, your mom accidentally ingested a bottle of nail polish remover thinking it was vodka and spent the next day puking her guts up...not from the acetone, but because she was pregnant with you at the time. And that explains your nervous twitch.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck. Just make sure you wash your hands - that lucky penny just went through a large badger's digestive system.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are lucky that no one has ever ripped off one of your many, many ideas. It makes a lot of sense, since after all, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, and who the heck would imitate you?

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Anti-bacteria soap may be good, but stop for a moment to ponder the surviving .01%. I believe they are waiting, watching, and planning a full-out attack. First stop? Your colon.

HorrorScope January 4-10

2008-01-04T15:12:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope January 4 - January 10
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Now tell me, do you really “need” 9 different e-mail addresses? Your taking up valuable space that Google could be using for porn.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel large amounts of stress and anger this week. Instead of using your spouse and children as punching bags, you should just take a trip to another state, heck, maybe even a nice remote lake somewhere. That way, the cops will have a harder time finding the bodies.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might think New Year’s Resolutions are silly, but would it be so bad to resolve to never eat anything preceded my “Mc”, i.e. McNuggets, McFlurries, McMuffins and of course, McJagger. All of these items are way too high in fat and alcohol.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you are considering reproducing, don’t. If you have already reproduced, please stop. Thank you for not overpopulating the world with your inbred offspring. Oh, wait…nobody told you about you mom and dad?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Losing three pounds from the food poisoning you had last week does not count as a diet, so stop licking raw chicken (besides, it tickles and makes me feel kinda funny - Wic.)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If you want to get a better haircut, you might want to stop asking the girl at the salon if she provides “Happy Ending Specials.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Why, oh, why did you finish that last piece of Christmas candy? Your starting to look like the New Year's ball.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You have keen attention to details. Also, you secretly like the smell of your own farts. That's gross.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Idea for a New Year’s Resolution: Try to stop being so much like…you. Maybe you could pick out a famous person that’s nicer than you to emulate, like Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): Listen, just because it's your birthday doesn't mean that everyone can drop everything, get you a cake, sing songs to you, give you presents, and pay all this attention to you. Don't you realise that it is ALSO National Trivia Day and some people don't have time to celebrate both! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to look up the gestation period of sea monkeys.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might be popular, but that’s only because you're a total whore.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might need to get some exercise. Since you are a lazy sack of crap, you already know that laughing burns calories. But screaming at the top of your lungs burns even more - why don't you try it?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Time for a trim! After all, you control your nose hairs - your nose hairs don't control you.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:If you think nobody cares if you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

HorrorScopes December 28-January 4

2007-12-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes December 28 - January 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will run into a close friend of yours...returning that crappy gift you gave them for Christmas. Don't look so offended; you know you totally recycled that gift from one of your dead relatives.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you've been enjoying a little solitude over the past week, you might want to brush the corn chips off your pants and revisit society today. People might think you're dead, and you don't want to get their hopes up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Rather than make a list of New Year's Resolutions, perhaps you should save yourself time by making a list of good traits you posses. That'll save yah some writing, big time!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you guzzle that cheap champagne at the New Year's party, you're gonna wake up with an unwanted headache. His name is Bob.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Conversations with people in authority can be very important this week. Keep in mind, you should never refer to a police officer as a "Pig." They prefer the term "Po-po."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). I don’t care what your mom says, you would NOT look good dressed up as the “New Year’s Baby”.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Congratulations! One of your parents gave out your social security number and bank information when a ruthless phone solicitor called who was claiming to be a debt collector. Finally; this is the excuse you’ve been looking for to finally put them in an old-folks home, guilt-free!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). This New Years, you will be forgotten and alone, even by your astrologer.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will feel like having some ethnic food this week. Shortly thereafter, you will feel like having a colon cleansing.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): You share the same birthday as Denzel Washington - you two actually have a lot in common, except for the fact that he’s smooth and sassy and you’re just fat and gassy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be depressed when the love of your life does not kiss you on New Year's Eve. After all, it's almost physically impossible to kiss your own ass, so perhaps it would be easier if you just lick your own reflection in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Instead of doing some much-needed work, you will be compelled to watch YouTube videos of fainting goats, Tesla coils, and dancing bananas. You know, if someone can sue McDonald’s for serving hot coffee, someone really should sue YouTube for time-burglaring.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you are seriously considering going out to Times Square in that mess of people and weather, then you deserve to have that wino "accidentally" piss on your leg.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:A New Year's resolutions is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

HorrorScope December 21-27

2007-12-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes Dec 21 - Dec 27
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might experience some holiday drama this year with some overzealous house guests. Make sure you keep around some non-alcoholic beer unless you want your best friend to end up sobbing on your new couch cushions.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Wear the ugly knitted sweater, please. Do it for grandma…

Gemini (May 21-June 21). We know it's customary to fall asleep after watching the claymation reindeer movies and the "Christmas Story" marathons while your spouse angrily stomps around the house. Perhaps it's time to start a new family tradition before you are served a beautifully wrapped box of divorce papers. Oh, wait, there's a "Trading Spaces" marathon coming up right after dinner! Well, you didn't like your spouse anyway, right?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Never combine mistletoe with too much eggnog. Less deadly mixtures have been made out of bleach and ammonia.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). So what if you've gained like 10, 15, or more likely, 20 pounds during this holiday season? You'll lose it all when you get that debilitating tapeworm from your great-aunt's cooking.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Let's face it, you have a lousy memory. So before you decide to recycle that silver-plated gravy boat you got as a present a few years ago, try avoid giving it back to the person that purchased it for you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your patented "Sexy Holiday Outfit" will look even better if someone thinner and younger was wearing it instead of you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You might be in the mood to "Deck the Halls" but must you deck the entire neighborhood with your 40-foot blow-up Santa, jolly blinking snowman that causes small Asian children seizures, reindeer with a missing leg, and combination nativity scene/singing Noah's ark display? Your neighbor can't sleep because of the glare radiating off your lawn.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you randomly hook up with some stranger at a holiday party, just be sure he's not your cousin. You don't want flipper-babies, do you?

Today's birthday (Dec 21). You will still continue to hear the famous excuse, "Oh, today's your birthday? Uhh...well, I got you a combined Christmas and Birthday gift. Yeah...you'll have it in a few days." So, Happy Gypped-Out-of-a-Gift Day.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, you will probably spend most of the holidays in a county jail. But lucky for you, your cellmate managed to smuggle in mistletoe.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Being nice around the holidays isn't worth anything if you are a Grinch the rest of the year. Quit acting like such as ass every once in a while and maybe people will start inviting you to parties instead of sending you Christmas-themed snow globes from the dollar store.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). I seem to remember warning you about something in October and you just didn't listen. If you enjoy your health, for the love of Luna and all that is holy, PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Santa is just a fake story people tell children in order to control their behavior. I am so sorry you had to find out this way. Maybe he would actually appear in read life if you splurged on some name-brand cookies instead of these Cookie-Chew-O things.

HorrorScope December 14-20

2007-12-14T14:39:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope December 14 - December 20
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Maybe you should ask for some new pants for the holidays? I don't care what you think - the hole-in-the-crotch look was never really in style.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You are a strong, hard worker with high standards and ethics. After all, most people just cruise through life just taking and screwing and partying and YouTube-ing and vomiting and screwing some more and drinking and eating and crapping and stealing and lying and backstabbing and vegetating and masturbating and cheating and burping and farting and TiVo-ing and NOT recycling at all..and you don't do any of that stuff! Man...you are one boring person.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). A business associate might try to get a rise out of you, but you will be seen as the stronger person if you turn the other cheek (and later put laxatives in his coffee).

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will be swept into a corrupt world of online-Scrabble, where the stakes are high and the triple-word scores are fastidiously scrutinize by gaggle of letter-hungry necrosyrtes monachus.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could probably use a little more fiber in your diet.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The stars have a little surprise in store for you in a just a few months - it's a boy! Male Virgos need not worry - it's not actually yours anyhow. Female Virgos - you have a lot of explaining to do, and remember, no one believes in that "Immaculate Conception" stuff anyhow. Oh, some people do? Well, that's pretty weird...

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). OMG WTF, why are you still reading this? Get up! You are in danger! Get out get out, now! Run for your life! RUUUUUN! YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE! AHHHHH!!!!!

(Aw, did you actually get scared? Hee hee, Libras are so gullible.)

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a great attention to detail. Most people don't shop around for the best deal while agonizing over what color and style of every object their purchase, and then sit up at night and wonder if they made the right decision - but you do! And of course, you are always willing to go through all the trash in your house to make sure that no one accidentally threw out a treasured token or piece of aluminum foil that could be reused. You are unique in your neurotic behavior, that's for sure.

Today's Birthday (Dec 14): You share the same birthday Michel de Nostredame, otherwise known as the late, great Nostradamus. That explains why you have felt the presence of your own psychic abilities throughout your entire life. But before you open your own fortune-telling business, you should probably know that no one cares what episode of the Simpsons they are going to broadcast next week or what song is going to come on the radio. Don't quit yer day job.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). We might have a crystal ball, but your partner certainly does not! If you want something special for the holidays, speak now or forever hold your Limited-Edition Thomas Kincade Miniature Ceramic Village Gift Set (with the bonus light-up street lamps kit!)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will have a fulfilling life that is full of wonder and delight. Wait a minute...I think that's Johnny Depp's horoscope...I can't quite see yours in the crystal ball through all the fire and brimstone. Hmm, wonder what that means....

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Pipe down - the neighbors are starting to complain about all of your late-night "noises," if you know what I mean. Hey, where'd you get a goat at 3 am, anyhow?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will probably be excited to talk to just about everyone you meet today. Too bad you don't have anything interesting to say.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Where there's a will, there's a greedy relative wielding a lawsuit.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes December 7-13

2007-12-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope December 7 - December 13
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Sometimes, things are NOT better left unsaid. If you don’t tell your significant other about the broccoli in their teeth, they will find it later and blame you for all eternity.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Buy an umbrella. There’s a shit-storm around the corner for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might feel a little bit uneasy about an upcoming review at work. No one is going to fire you for stealing Post-It Notes™, but they might object to the constant stream of profanity that leaves your mouth whenever you use the copy machine.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). The street you live on is going to be famous on TV! Too bad the news story will be entitled “Tragic Menorah Inferno Engulfs Neighborhood”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). That bag of old crap you donated to Good Will contained toys full of lead paint. See, even things you do out of kindness end up causing destruction - I'm pretty sure you're cursed.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Don’t let the winter blues get you down – go out and socialize before you start looking like one of those bug-eyed, nocturnal Aye-Ayes (look it up - it's like looking in a mirror!)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you don’t start paying your bills on time, the repo men come take your couch with your family still sitting on it*. (*Note: Repo men usually return repossessed family members, so don't get too excited).

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your partner/roommate will get freaked out when you talk in your sleep about the various heinous murders you have committed in the past. Don’t worry, I know you don’t remember committing any murders in “real life” (you were actually sleepwalking at the time.)

Today's birthday (Dec 7): On this day, the day of your birth, Cicero died. No, he is not a rapper. ::Sigh:: I hope someone buys you a clue and wraps it in a plastic bag so you'll suffocate trying to find it

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You really need to work on your "technique". And I'm not talking about golf.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your past, you have pissed off an Earth sign and they’re still fuming. You might want to make amends before karma causes the bowels of the earth to swallow you, chew off your face, and spit you out somewhere off in the North Atlantic.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you keep leaving empty containers of food/liquid in the refrigerator, a Scorpio in your household might just murder you in your sleep.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A close Sagittariusis very mad at you because you forgot their birthday. Save yourself a headache and use some kinda free online calendar thingie so people stop making voodoo dolls in your likeness.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Don’t have too many irons in the fire – it gets too many panties in a bunch. Learn how to relax.

HorrorScope Nov 30 - December 6

2007-11-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScopes Nov 30th - December 6th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might want to consider some minor home renovations before you have actual house guests this holiday season. All your carpeting kinda smells like stale cigarettes and old people.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yes, it's December, already! Maye you would have been more productive in November if you didn't spend all your time catching up on episodes of "Ugly Betty" and watching your Lean Cuisine spin around in the microwave.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You may find yourself questioning your sanity. The answer to that question is simple - just ask the little elf that lives in your sock drawer.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Someone close to you is in need of support, and someone even closer is in need of a shower. Before you try to help anyone out, make sure you deal with your own hygiene issues.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Be careful of that sweet tooth of yours. Not only are you getting a spare tire, but all those hard candies are going to leave you needing a painful, expensive root canal. Did I mention that you have grown a tolerance to anesthesia? Man, that's really gonna suck in a few months when you....well, you'll find out about that soon enough.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Have you ever thought about electrolysis? Or at least...waxing?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). This world is full of crazy maniacs, so make sure you always lock your doors and windows. At least with you safely locked inside, there would be one less crazy maniac on the street.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Don't you realize that that porny-looking MySpace girl is just trying to phish your password? No one that good looking would ever actually send you a message. It's not that you're ugly, it's just that that all the glitter graphics on your page make you look kinda fruity.

Today's birthday (Nov 30): Did you know that you share the same birthday as Winston Churchill? Coincidentally, people have been spreading a nasty Internet rumor about him that he was born in the ladies' room at a dance, and that's actually where you were conceived (and those pictures are actually available on the Internet for the low-low price of $9.99 a month.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Any Mercury-Juno encounter reminds you to be extra sensitive and receptive to your significant other or close friends. I see three letters in your future, and they are P, M, and S. Be afraid.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Try to be realistic when planning for your future right now. You're never really going to amount to anything, so it would be better off if you just realized it now rather than put all your energy into being "America's Next Top Model". It's not fault that nature gave you an asymmetrical face!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Find something useful to do with your time. You won't exactly find the cure for cancer by combining all the little bottles of shampoo that you stole from motels into a larger bottle of shampoo.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Your mothering tendencies are getting to be a little annoying. You might call it "nurturing", but that attempt to breast-feed a 17-year old was just plain inappropriate!

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Respect yourself and others will respect you. Except when you wear that stupid shirt.

HorrorScope November 22-29

2007-11-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope - Special Thanksgiving Edition
by Penny (The Pagan Penguin)

(The Wiccan Chicken opted out of the HorrorScopes this week because seeing all the dead turkeys in the crystal ball gave him nightmares. Funny, because it just gave me hunger pains! - Penny)

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will stuff yourself, collapse into a heap on the sofa with your fly open, and watch about 4 hours of the "Trading Spaces" marathon before you fall asleep in a puddle of your own gravy-filled drool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will slave over a hot stove all day just to have your Aries relative make a drooly mess on your new sofa.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). No matter what the Wiccan Chicken says, Tofurkey is not a valid substitute for an actual meal. If you wanna be a vegetarian, at least get yourself a nice lasagna or something. Oh, you don't eat cheese, either? Freakin' hippie...

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You are not seriously considering pitching a tent in the Best Buy parking lot directly after dinner in order to save $3 on the new "Cunninlynguists" CD, are you? Oh, my goddess, you are seriously a consumer whore.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Did you know that you have a severe food allergy to a common Thanksgiving staple? Good luck with that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There's no reason to sit on the couch all day and watch angry fat guys slam their heads together. Uncle Ray and your Dad do this every year - you're missing the football game!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Beware of Leos - they will talk you into waking up at 3 am to stand out in the cold and get accosted by old ladies. You know those whole "Free After Rebate" things are a total scam, anyhow!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Before you tell everyone your size so they can start their holiday shopping for ugly sweaters, you should be aware that your favorite store practices "Vanity Sizes." That means you're actually even fatter than you think you are.

Today's birthday (Nov 22nd): Feels pretty crappy that you've been upstaged by a bird that is most known for making the "Gobble, gobble, gobble" sound. Well, at least you two have a lot in common.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Congratulations - you won't have to wait in hideous lines this holiday season because you brought everyone their gift way in advance. But don't you're jumping the gun a little by purchasing a 4-year old a subscription to Maxim Magazine?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Pretending to be homeless to get some free turkey from the shelter is pretty foul. Get it? Pretty "foul"? Ah, I crack myself up.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). It was very sweet of you to show the kids how to make pictures of Thanksgiving turkeys out of their hand prints. But tell me, what made you think it would be a good idea to draw in the extra "giblets" to make it anatomically correct?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you don't help your significant other clean up some of the Thanksgiving festivities, you will not experience any of your own festivities for quite some time.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Having two ears and one mouth, we should listen twice as much as we speak. But how does one calculate the same math problem with the people who eat and crap from the same orifice?

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope November 16-22

2007-11-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope Nov 16th - November 22nd
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Even if you are more insecure than usual, don't look to others to answer your problems. They might talk you into buying some hideous timeshare or joining an over-priced gym with a 3-year contract. You know you'll never make time go anyhow!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Take some time to relax. Any more pressure and you're going to end up in a clocktower with that AK-47 you bought off of E-bay.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You may need to reconsider your budget for the rest of the year. You simply cannot afford to buy holiday gifts for your family, all of your co-workers, your neighbors, your mailman, your plumber, your proctologist, the kid down the street that mowes your lawn, all of your long lost friends that you tracked down on FaceBook, your dental hygenist, and of course, your local Avon salesperson.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You might feel inspired to cook up something new this week. Be aware, there is a difference between baking powder and baking soda. Also, tartar sauce is not a good substitute for cream of tartar.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). If you ever have any doubts about evolution, just take a quick glace in the mirror to confirm Darwin’s theory.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Use the internet responsibly. It’s bad enough that you got on a government watch list for Googling “types of marijuana”, but if you keep downloading high-resolution fetish desktop backgrounds, you’ve gonna get a STCV (Sexually Transmitted Computer Virus) that Dr. Norton can’t cure.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Fate may come knocking on your door very soon. Or maybe it’s just the paperboy – have you renewed your subscription lately?

Today's birthday (Nov 15): It’s no wonder you were born on the same day as Georgia O'Keefe! That explains why everything you draw ends up looking like female genitalia!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Before you tell everyone your size so they can start their holiday shopping for ugly sweaters, you should be aware that your favorite store practices "Vanity Sizes." That means you're actually even fatter than you think you are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will be plagued by strange dreams involving racing midgets in go-karts over hills made out of licorice and processed cheese foods. You should probably check to make sure there isn’t a gas leak in your house.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You need to adjust the filter between your brain and your lips – it seems to be piped incorrectly so there’s nothing but crap flowing out of your mouth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Love is blind - but it can still smell your farts and hear your snoring. Take a beano and sleep on your side if you want to have someone to snuggle next to.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). As Mars retrogrades in your 5th House of Play, you might feel like you are ready to party. But if you get drunk and fall asleep, you are guarteed WILL find various obscenities drawn in permanent marker on your face.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:The logical reply to the inquiry, “Does this dress make me look fat” is, “Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.”

HorrorScopes November 9-15

2007-11-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Weekly HorrorScope November 9th - 15th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your partner wants you to step up to the plate in your relationship. You have a choice – watching TV every night, or having boring, but at least fairly steady sex. Before you head for the plasma screen, when was the last time you and Jamie Lee Curtis had a nooner?

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will read a health news article about something that you thought was bad for you is now good for you and something you thought was bad for you was good for you. Before you throw out your Teflon pans and guzzle six cups of coffee for the added “health benefits,” release that it’s probably healthier to do moderation. After all, you’re gonna die from a freak lawnmower accident anyhow.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you are over the age of 13, you should not use any of “today’s” slang words—they make you look like an ass. If you are under the age of 13, you shouldn’t be reading this anyhow!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Don’t indulge in avoidable arguments today. Some people are just going to go around saying MAY-sure instead of measure and WOOD-er instead of water. Don’t “ax” them to stop; just quietly revel in the fact that you are much smarter then them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Feel like someone is watching you? It's the 6,000 roaches nested in your wall, waiting to attack you in your sleep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A long lost sweetheart will track you down after a long search for you. Don't get the wrong idea - they're only calling because they gave you an STD.

Today's birthday (Nov 9): On this day, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower sighted land at Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The only thing you will site today is a few new wrinkles and perhaps a new suspicious mole that you should get checked out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you keep holding in your sneezes and burps to be polite, your head is going to explode - literally. Large oozing piles of gaseous mucus is way ruder than the occasional natural noise.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will not find your girlfriend sleeping with your best friend while singing the National Anthem with a bowl of Cheerios with Yogurt™ on her head. She actually prefers Frosted Flakes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your knowledge of useless trivia is annoying, not quirky, funny or cute. Want to impress people? Pick up a newspaper and form an actual opinion. No one cares about the gestation period of elephants (duh, we aaaaall know it’s 22 months!)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Maybe you should hold off on that large purchase. You live in a crap-hole, you owe like 10 people large amounts of money, your car is about to break down irreparably, and you could really use a haircut.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your lackadaisical use of antibacterial soap is actually causing drug-resistant bacteria to grow in your kitchen. Make sure wash your hands for at least 20 seconds, and for that matter, start washing your hands after you pee, you gross freak.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You might have only “tried marijuana once,” but in the first puff, you managed to kill the last living brain cell that was allowing you to be an intelligent, functioning person. At least you’ve also managed to kill all the brain cells that give a crap about killing brain cells. Ignorance is bliss!

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you
are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological
forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope November 2-9

2007-11-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScope Nov 2nd - November 9th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Ever heard of the "Butterfly Effect"? Please watch what you eat - your farts have been causing forest fires in California and hurricanes in the southern States.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel anxious about financial matters this week. Perhaps you should have paid your rent on time instead of buying a crapload of junk at K-mart last night. What good is a 75% off ceramic pumpkin if you're in a homeless shelter? Actually, what good is a ceramic pumpkin in the first place?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Keep this world a beautiful place; use a condom.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Don't even THINK about putting up any Christmas decorations before Black Friday. Sure, some folks might want to celebrate the birth of Jesus, didn't Turkey Lurkey DIE for your dinner? Have some respect.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). We guarantee that you will not get your house devoured by a ravenous horde of alien termites with giant wood chippers.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The fish you flushed down the toilet when you were five wasn't actually dead - he was just sleeping. He lives in the magical lake of goldfish where there are rainbows and unicorns and wonderful, wonderful things. There, now you can stop crying yourself to sleep every night.

Today's birthday (Nov 1): Very ironic that you should be BORN on the Day of the DEAD. No wonder so many ghosts and goblins mess with you! What, you thought all the weird crap that happened to you was just a coincidence? That Catrina is a catty girl!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Those "Health" bars that you've been devouring are actually "Heath" bars. So not only are you fat, you're also illiterate.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Don't let other people bully you into doing anything you aren't comfortable with. You are a strong, unique, talented individual. Now bitch, go make me a sandwich.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your boss is reevaluating the company dress code because of you. The socks with sandals need to stop.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will never find true love. But can always find true stupidity by looking in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). No Trick-or-Treaters last week, huh? Maybe next year you shouldn't hang up a sign that says, "Ring bell for candy, guaranteed 100% Poison & Hypodermic Needle-Free!"

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will lose something very important, but you won’t remember that you’ve even lost it until you desperately need it. It may be your birth certificate, it may be your car keys, but most likely, it will be your mind.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Great minds think alike, but fools seldom differ. Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like your mom?!

HorrorScope October 26 - November 1

2007-10-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScope October 26 - November 1
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Special Halloween Edition!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Dressing up as a “Sexy Fairy” or “Sexy Witch” isn’t going to help if you’re not actually sexy. You’d be better off just going as a Hersey Kiss because at least the costume conforms to your natural shape.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will go to a Halloween party, get drunk, possibly expose yourself, and vomit up Dunkin Donuts Halloween Munchkins. Yes, they are just as orange “going in” as they are “coming out”.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Someone you know will wear a “Little Mermaid” costume and have massive issues with “The Seashells.” If you are a good friend, you should prepare by bringing some glue or spirit gum. If you are a jerk, you should prepare by bringing a camera.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). This Halloween, you will end up remorsefully eating your entire bowl of candy when no one shows up at your door. Hey, didn’t the same thing happen on prom night, too?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Although giving out apples and/or toothbrushes to Trick-Or-Treaters is a nice, healthy thought, it will result a less-friendly, massive, flaming pile of dog crap on your doorstep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Halloween is on freakin' Wednesday! If you don't get your costume like...right NOW, you are going to end up choosing between the over-priced, nappy gorilla costume or the cheaper, but sadder looking Pikachu costume that smells a little bit like cheese.

Today's birthday (Oct. 25). You share the same birthday as Pablo Picasso. Too bad you are nowhere near as talented, respected, or rich.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Enough with the Halloween decorations - your front lawn is starting to look like the Wal-Mart clearance section.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). If you want to make the classic sheet-over-your-head "Ghost" costume, you might want to consider buying a fresh sheet with no "Nighttime Stains" on it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). What where you thinking when you bought that fruity-looking mailbox? You're just asking for it to get it baseball batted, covered in shaving cream, toilet papered, egged, and possibly sexually molested.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). That hot chick in the Marylin Monroe costume that wants to make out with you is really a man. Wow, it's a good thing that you're into that kinda thing!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). No, going as "Goatsie" for Halloween is not a good idea. Think of the children.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). For shame! A needy family could have eaten supper for one night, but instead, you turned a perfectly good meal into a really pathetic-looking Jack-O-Lantern.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who gets a bad kidney stone lodges in his urethra on October 31 will not have a Happy Hollow-Weenie.

HorrorScope October 19-25

2007-10-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScope October 19 - October 25
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Want to add a daily HorrorScope to your I-Google? Click here!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your iPhone might be awful convenient, but it’s giving you cancer, making you impotent, and really obnoxious at the checkout line.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You cost the government $479,000 in research and wiretapping after Verizon reported you telling talking to your friend about how “bombed you were last night”.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Sitting next to someone in Math class just because they are Asian is racist. For shame! But since you are good at racial profiling and bad at math, perhaps you should look into a career in law enforcement?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Yes, you are pregnant. Good luck explaining that one to your girlfriend and the rest of the scientific community.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will not get bitten by a mongoose while walking down the stairs for a glass of chocolate milk on a rainy Sunday.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It’s not a old wives' tale: You WILL go blind and get hairy palms.

Today's birthday (Oct. 18). So what if you've gained a little weight over the years? Remember—there’s always room for Jello.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A random person will mistake you for someone else on Facebook, and you will quietly deny their friend request. You will later see your doppelganger in the local news when they announce the murder/suicide that occured due to the social-networking mix-up.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your doctor will soon discover that remnants of those peas that you shoved in your nasal cavity when you were four are still “up there”.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Thankfully, the weather will finally start to cool off, so you can tuck those sandals away for good. It’s a good thing because you have REALLY ugly feet.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will succeed in live if you remember to floss, recycle, and not act like such an asshole all the time.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will find yourself incessantly humming the “I Dream of Genie” theme song. Good work—just when your co-workers thought they couldn’t hate you more, you added another layer of “annoying”.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Hey. You! Put the cookie down.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Great Find: Woman Accused of Stealing Penis

2007-10-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Great Sphinx Great Find
So, I stumbled upon this totally strange, but true article today at the Daily Trust and had to share it because it is just so strange:
_______________________________
Woman Accused of Genital Theft
Written by Hassan Idris

In a dramatic twist of sex scandal, a middle aged man who accused his sex partner of stealing his genital has now turned into an accused after the accused lady was forced by the police, on recommendation of a herbalist into another intercourse, in a bid to restore his manhood in Bassan Jiwa, Airport Village, Abuja.

An Abuja-based beer palour owner called Grace Igbian has been accused by her lover Kingsley Ulame of ‘stealing’ his sexual organ. They had been dating for an exteded period of time and they last stayed and slept together for 29 days before he travelled home to see his family in Benin, Edo State. But instead of enjoying his stay with his family, Ulame said he started having problems with his organ. He noticed that he could not have an erection. According to him, his organ stopped functioning and he was frightened that it may result to impotence.

He said at a point, he contemplated committing suicide but later decided to seek spiritual intervention. He consulted a lot of pastors to help him out of the predicament. After that failed, he started searching for orthodox and traditional medicines but there was no solution to what he described as his shrunken manhood.

After his efforts bore no fruit, Ulame said he became suspicious of Igbian whom he had intercourse with before travelling, so he decided to call and intimate her of his predicament. "She responded by saying, it was probably because of stress which I was suffering. She subsequently advised me to relax so that I can be okay. After some time, I was still not feeling better from the orthodox, traditional and spiritual solutions," Ulame said.

Igbian confessed to making love with him for 29 days before he travelled home. She also described Ulame as a caring person. But she denied stealing his manhood and to buttress her ignorance, Igbian swore an oath before Weekly Trust. She said she was innocent of the charges levelled against her.

But Ulame insisted that Igbian had at a point threatened him that he will never regain use of his organ unless he has intercourse with her again.

Ulame returned to Abuja, only to find Igbian had moved out of his room and rented another room in a neighbouring house. "When I came back, she had taken my property to her house and then took all my belongings to her room," he said.

Ulame loudly accused her of stealing his manhood and started demanding for it and called his friends and brothers who pleaded with her to return. He resorted to beating her, eventually wounding her.

Igbian was infuriated by the beating she got from her ex-lover and she walked straight to the police station and reported him.

According to her, the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) of Airport Division, Assistant Superintendent of Police, Peter Thazilza invited a herbalist called Haifa, a Fulani woman who thereafter claimed that Igbian had indeed stolen Ulame’s organ. Subsequently, Igbian said she was forced to have sex with Ulame by the DPO in his office, because they wanted the man to ‘regain his manhood’. In an effort to realise whether she was the person who stole the man’s organ, she said the DPO promised to bring another woman to his office so that Ulame will ‘test’ his organ.

ASP Thazilza confirmed to Weekly Trust that the sex scandal happened in Bassan Jiwa, recently. According to him, one day, he heard a crowd of people shouting and fighting and I found out that some young men were beating Igbian, alleging that she has stolen her boyfriend’s organ. So I decided to intervene," he said.

He further said, "I got to know that Igbian has reported the case to the station and what I wanted to do was to help them resolve the issue amicably." He, however, dismissed the allegation made with Igbian that she was forced to have intercourse to Ulame in the DPO’s office, saying he is "a curator of morality" with community security service and he will never ask somebody to have sex in his office.

"It is true that one woman herbalist was called to the station and she indicted the accused as the person who stole the man’s organ. The herbalist said the accused lady used a mirror to take the man’s organ away from him. However, in the laws of the land there is no provision for witchcraft and mysterious stealing of genitals. If such things happen, we normally forward the matter to the court. But in this case, I settled them out of the station to give peace a chance", he said.

But for Igbian, the allegation of stealing a man’s organ mysteriously has tarnished her image in the community to the extent that she has been threatened with ejection by the landlord of her house and her shop.

_______________________________

You wanna know my opinion, guys?

1.) I can't believe this article was written with the understanding that it's "okay" to be forced to have sex in the middle of an DPO office. Wait, what? The aromatherapist or whatever she is said that woman stole the guy's johnson, so she was forced to have sex with him in the DPO office? In what way does raping a woman ever prove whether or not she is a witch/sorceress/practicer of the evil eye? "Here guys, why don't we just put the poor woman up on a wooden stake and burn her - that worked for those dudes in Salem."

2.) And great, this is yet another excuse that the pharmaceutical companies can use to sell stuff to alleviate erectile dysfunction. "Do you think a witch has cast a spell on your cock? Take this blue pill and rape her so you can feel better."

3.) If he would have come to MY house accusing me of stealing his manhood or whatever, I would have given him a swift kick in the balls to remind him where his manhood was actually situated.

Where's Lorena when you need her?

HorrorScope Oct 12 – Oct 18

2007-10-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScope Oct 12 – Oct 18
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). There is a warrant out for your arrest in some obscure state you due to an unpaid parking ticket. Next time you are vacationing, make sure you use your turn signal and obey stop signs so you don’t end up becoming someone's prison girlfriend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yes, Hollywood IS stealing all your ideas. Your "Nielsen Media Research" box is actually recording everything you do and transmitting it back to all the executives...and that is the singular reason why TV sucks so boring at the moment. Could you be a little more interesting so I have something to watch on Monday nights?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Do you remember that bug you smashed against the wall about a month ago? Well, his great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter wants to seek revenge by laying some eggs in your ear canal. RAID isn’t gonna fix this one.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Being environmentally friendly and conserving water is one thing, but it’s just plain bad manners if you don’t flush twice when you really, really need to.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might feel a slight twinge in the left side of your temple, possibly followed by a low ringing in your ears. That’s the sound of a really important brain cell dying.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The joy of being crazy is that you don’t know you’re crazy, so you’re everyone else’s problem.

Today's birthday (Oct. 11). Well, at least you don't smell like old people yet.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your planets will align with Venus, which will cause a great surge in your love life. This will be quickly extinguished by a hormonal imbalance that will cause your face to erupt like Mount Saint Helens.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Someone in your family was really mad at you, so they didn’t tell you when your toothbrush “accidentally” fell in the toilet. You might want to invest in a new one.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). That overpriced “Natural” breakfast bar you’re munching has just as much sugar and carbohydrates as a standard candy bar. Save some money and eat an apple or something before all your teeth fall out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Oh, you wouldn’t like what I’m going to say about you so I’m not even going to say it. Consider it a “surprise”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). That bump you felt on your work today wasn’t an unevenly paved road – it was a pregnant female Peromyscus polionotus niveiventris (Southeastern Beach Mouse) that accidentally escaped from the local environmental conservation center. Congratulations – eradicated an entire species of mammal during your morning commute.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are going to live a long life and turn into that crotchety old person that stands by the window and criticizes where everyone park their cars. That is, until your children poison you for the inheritance.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Adult Halloween Costume Ideas

2007-10-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

Whatcha Gonna Be for Halloween?
by the Jersey Fresh Friends

Every year, most people go to the local costume store and walk through isles of candy corn and annoying talking skeleton statues by in order to get a "Unique" costume. But usually, all you find is a bunch of overpriced, unoriginal, cheap-polyester merchandise that has been rooted through by 10,000 other people!

You can avoid this whole mess by making your own costume! Here are a few ideas I have gathered, and I encourage you to submit more by e-mailing wiccanchicken at wiccanchicken . com (take out the spaces - I'm avoiding SPAM robots). Most of these are pretty easy and can be thrown together in a weekend!

Famous Internet Icons
by Wiccan Chicken

Tay Zonday (the Chocolate Rain guy): Grab a pair of headphones and rectangular glasses and you’re on your way! Make sure you memorize the 500 verses of the song in case anyone wants to hear it for the millionth time.

Chris Crocker (from the Leave Britney Spears Alone video): Dye your hair blonde, wear some smeared eyeliner, and swoon over a picture of Britney Spears.

The Dancing Baby (Believe it or not, this was an internet phenomenon before Ally McBeal even got a hold of it!): Standard baby costume, but with a tape recording of the Ooga-Chaka song.

Me (The Wiccan Chicken): Grab a beak from any party store and pick up a yellow pentagram shirt. Bonus point if you can find chicken feet/dye your shoes orange and wear orange pants. Or just take a normal chicken costume and put a pentagram on it. If you send in pics, I'll post you up here & you might get some fun stuff!

Group/Couple Costume Ideas
by Penny (The Pagan Penguin)

Mulder & Scully (X-files): Bonus points if you can nab an alien of some kind!

OK Go (from their Treadmill Video): Go to a thrift store with a group of your buddies and go nuts!

Michael Jackson & the cast from Thriller: Or just go as normal Michael Jackson – that’s scary enough. Bonus if you carry a fake baby around with you and dangle it over a ledge.

Sexy Costumes Ideas
by Sphinx

Jessica Rabbit: Forget Roger - all you need is a good pushup bra for this one. I suggest the stick-on kind so you can wear a backless dress. The gloves are usually hard to find (dark purple opera gloves), so call around Bridal Shops or check E-bay for a sure match.

Carmen Sandiego: Don't think Ms. Carmen is sexy? Well, that just depends on what you wear (or don't wear) under that trench coat! And here is a great way to meet hot guys - you can write actual Carmen Sandiego trivia on big cards and ask any cutie you want an excuse to talk to answer the questions (just make sure you write the answers on the back.)

The Great Sphinx. Yes, I know I'm great, and frankly, I'm the sexiest thing West of the Nile. Besides West Nile Disease... that's not that sexy. But if you want to go as me, you can black-out the tip of your nose so it looks like it's fallen off, and make sure you do something fun with Uraeus (the snake on my headdress). You can also talk your friends going as other mystic Egyptian gods, or if you're REALLY craft, pyramids & King Tut's Sarcophagus.

Drag Costumes:
by Biggie (Bigfoot)

Zombie Anna Nicole Smith: Make yourself blond, slutty, and dead-looking. Accessorize with a box of TrimSpa.

Britney Spears at the VMA’s: Grab a pair of sparkly panties with a matching bra, fishnets, a big messed up blond wig, and fourteen shots of tequila. Remember – the more drunk and lethargic you are in this costume, the more accurate you will look to real Britney. Bonus points if you can get someone to go as Chris Crocker and chase you around.

Marilyn Monroe: A classic, and most costume shops carry the wig & dress - but put wires on the bottom of the dress so it's permanently up and showing your man-junk. Extra points if you JFK with you to have extramarital affairs with.

Really Easy Costumes
by J.D. (The New Jersey Devil)

Easy Costume Numbah 1: Okay. You need a jar of paste, one of those plastic tooth things that you get from the dentist when you lose your tooth, and a Tuba. Yeah, an actual Tuba, just steal it from your little brother or something. So, okay, hang the tooth thing around your neck. Then hold the Tuba under your arm. Then grab the paste with the other arm. Congratulations – You’re a Tuba Tooth Paste.

Easy Costume Numbah 2: That freakin' douche bag from the Verizon commercials. Just dress like an asshole and walk around asking, “Can you hear me now?”

Easy Costume Numbah 3: Just go around naked and tell people you’re the back of a pack of nudie playing cards.

HorrorScopes October 5-11

2007-10-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes Oct 5 - Oct 11
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). 85-90% of what you've been eating isn't actually food. Even that tapeworm stuck to your small intestine is dying for a piece of lettuce or something!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel slightly aggravated when you are bombarded by useless tasks from your co-workers. If you don't know what to do, look to the United States Postal Service for advice.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). I saw you checking that person out the other day...and so did your significant other. Next time you let your eyes wander, try not to look so much like the wolf from those old Tex Avery cartoons. Or at least stop making the "Awooooga, awooooga!" noises.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Whatever you do, don’t read this...oh, no, you just did...crap, no, stop, don’t read this next line...OH! That’s it, you’re doomed, you have brought this upon yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will not find a $1,000 bill on the floor of the local 7-11. But you might find a roach.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will get invited to a party out of sheer obligation because you are a distant relative of the host/dating someone the host knows. But don’t worry, you can buy their love with a bottle of wine. After all, everyone loves you when they're drunk. Especially your step-dad.

Today's birthday (Oct. 4). You will receive a giftcard and immediately misplace it. It’s not your fault; stores spray giftcards with a special disappearing solution that causes you to misplace them for 12 months until they expire and are completely devoid of value.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will find a one-inch, course, gnarly hair growing where it shouldn’t be. Yeah, some people noticed, but no one wanted to say anything.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). People like you shouldn’t have pets. That is all.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). No matter what the Catholic priest tells you, the rhythm method is just a rumor. Please stop overpopulating the planet with your unwanted offspring.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will have a nice and perfectly pleasant week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will wake up forty-five minutes late to work and your car won’t start. On your walk to the bus, you will narrowly escape an attacked by a giant horde of centipedes by running into a dark alley where you will be beaten over the head by a masked mugger named Alejandro. You will then wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one less kidney and..oh, crap, I mixed up your fortune with Capricorn’s. What I meant to say was “You will have a nice and perfectly pleasant week".

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Next time you poop, remember that you are the only one that poops and that you are a hideous freak.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Leave it alone and it will grow on its own. This includes the mold in your shower.

HorrorScope Sept 28 - October 4

2007-09-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScope Sept 28 - October 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). When walking around a department store, someone will mistake you for a sales associate because of that stupid polo shirt you always wear. If they ask for directions, make sure you send them to the Plus-Sized-Fitness clothing department – there are too many fat loads these days.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You might not remember this, but as a child, you ate lead paint. Actually, that’s probably why you don’t remember eating it in the first place.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Be careful of a tendency to be overly critical towards others right now. We all know that babies look like shrunken, shriveled up old people, but you probably shouldn’t say that at your sister’s baby shower.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Before you profess your ever-undying love to your current crush, make sure he/she doesn’t have a jealous significant other that will bash your face in like an overripe pumpkin.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Do you smell that? I think something is burning.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The only true fortune someone has is the love of our friends and family. Sorry that you're broke.

Today's birthday (Sept 27). Congratulations - you will receive yet another ugly sweater from grandma. Grin and bare it for the old dame, would yah?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). The shortest distance between two people is a smile. You can get there faster if you aren't wearing any clothing.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Romance comes into your life this year in a very unusual sort of way; someone who has a crush on you will send you their ear in the mail. Hey, it worked for Van Gogh. Oh, wait, it didn't...

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Before you go around trying to find all the proper parts of your epic “Spartan” Halloween costume, perhaps you should grow some abs or at least consider shaving your chest. No one in Sparta ran around with a rug like yours.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Holding yourself back from temptation for a while – you’re acting like a total slut. A crab is not just a type of shellfish.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your Adam Sandler impersonation is not funny, nor is it accurate in any way. Please stop.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are what you eat. So, I guess that means you are the pubic hair of that waiter that hates you at Friday's.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Anything worth doing can be done. Anything that isn't worth doing should never be done. Therefore, how is it that Britney has two kids?

Do you LOVE Halloween?

2007-09-26T15:25:00.000-07:00

Wiccan Chicken is posting an article about silly, fun, and/or easy Halloween costume ideas in the next edition of Wiccan Chicken. If you would like your voice to be heard (he'll add your real name/screenname with website link), feel free to submit ideas and tips on costume creation!

Also, if you have made an awesome costume in the past, feel free to send us a picture and give us one or two tips on how to make it!

Please e-mail wiccanchicken@wiccanchicken.com by Saturday, September 30th. If he gets enough submissions, we'll post up several other blogs leading up to Halloween so you have a GOOD CHANCE AT GETTING FEATURED!

Good luck!

HorrorScopes Sept 21 - Sept 27

2007-09-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes Sept 21 - Sept 27
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Unlike that Wiccan guy in Maryland, you will not win the lottery today. And he asked if you could please stop calling him for "donations" to your "cause."

Taurus (April 20-May 20). There are more chickens than humans in this world. Someday, we’ll dine on Human McNuggets.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). They wont ever reveal what the monster in “Lost” actually is, so you should just quit watching.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If it were 1984, you could have been really popular.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, when something in your fridge turns that color, you should throw it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Congratulations! This week, you will no longer need to need to wonder what it's like to get maced.

Today's birthday (Sept 20). Happy Birthday! Today’s fortune will be in Morris Code: -.-- --- ..- / .- .-. . / .- / .-.. --- ... . .-. / .-- .. - .... / - --- --- / -- ..- -.-. .... / ... .--. .- .-. . / - .. -- . .-.-.-

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your emotions will be entirely replaced by emoticons.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Pluto is aligning with Jupiter. Normally, this means you would have a great day, but since Pluto is no longer a planet, you’ll probably get kicked in the groin or something.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Three words: Projectile yeast infection.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You can do anything you set your mind to, but only in the realm of failure.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Every year, thousands of Americans spend way too much money on weirdly-named-faux-Swedish furniture from IKEA. Don't become a statistic; put the "Billy" Bookcase down and buy some furniture that isn't made of pencil shavings.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). New opportunities for work and romance will present themselves this week when you are sold into prostitution.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Next time you eat out, proceed with caution – the female genitalia are very sensitive.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes Sept 14 - Sept 20

2007-09-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScopes Sept 14 - Sept 20
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Beware of vegetable medleys; You know E.coli has been going around.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Always remember, C is for cookie and that is good enough for all of us.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Behold the power of cheese.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). The beginning of this week starts out with a load of hoo-ha that will dampen your livelihood, but at least you might find a few bucks in your couch cushions if you dig hard enough.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Everyone has to play the role of the primo-weenie once in awhile. The quicker you embrace it the quicker it will pass. Be one with the weenie.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Buy a pigmy goat. Name it Whoohockers.

Today's birthday (Sept 14). Ho-oh, it's your berfday, get down, it's your berfday! Just get drunk and talk a load about all those sweet things you could've done with your life and try not to barf in your hair at the end of the night.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Go on vacation. When you come back, show everyone a bunch of boring pictures of you and a crew of people they don't know and marvel at how good they are at faking interest.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Power bars… check. Juice machine…. Check. Gym membership… check. Cheeky spandex leopard print uni-tard… check. It's time to get those buns of bread dough back into buns of steel…or at least hardened stale bread.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you want to free up some time, experiment with a new walk, a swagger if you will, add a lil' bounce every few steps for extra giggles. You see, people leave you alone if they think you’re crazy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). A veil of depression has floated over your head. It's because you suck.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The Invention Submission Corporation is going to pitch a fit with your non-stop quest for wealth. Get your head out of the clouds and do some actual work for cash. Lazy Bum.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will feel sick...and tired...and bloated. You're either coming down with something or pregnant. Good luck with that.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who takes lady on camping trip have one intent.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

MTV VMA Britney Spears Conspiracy Theory

2007-09-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

Biggie's Ideas
Okay. I just had to follow-up on my last article with a Britney Conspiracy Theory. Seems that SOMEONE doesn't agree with our criticisms about Britney. Just watch:

And this obsessed, crying fan isn't the only one that showed some waterworks. My sources tell me that Britney Spears was bawling like a baby back stage after her failed performance of “Gimme, Gimme” at this week’s MTV Video Music Awards, but then she was reported to be “partying up a storm” after the fact. Partying SO much that for the second time in paparazzi history, she forgot to wear her underpants.

Honey, we all KNOW you had a nice pair of sparkly ones given to you by MTV in case you couldn't afford them! Where did they go?

I'm suspicious that she was so panicked about her botched performance, she purposefully lost her britches to take some of the attention off of her lethargic dancing. Am I wrong here? Let me know:

Oh, Britney, don't prove the fabulous Ms. Sarah Silverman right: "She is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life."

Biggie Reviews the 2007 MTV Music Awards

2007-09-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

Biggie's Ideas
So for all of you who missed the VMAs, I just want you to know that I did a little VMAing myself last night, that is, Vomiting My Ass off as I watched Britney's much-hyped comeback. If you feel like up-chucking, here is the video of our favorite former hit pop star with "Gimme More Live".

I must say it was much like witnessing a car accident - horrifying, and yet I couldn't avert my eyes. Britney's performance was a far cry from what we're used to and seemed more like a low budget performance put on at a club for transvestites. And you know I LOVE some of the girls down at the tranny club, but not on public tv, sweetie!

Between her lip-synching, lethargic attempt at dancing, and less than flattering bra-and-panty get-up, Britney was a disappointment. In fact, as the camera panned the audience, Fifty Cent, Kid Rock and others had a confused and almost sympathetic look on their faces. What's worse is that the shock seemed to linger, as Sarah Silverman's opening jokes evoked only a fraction of the response that the outspoken comedian typically receives.

While Britney left us wondering if the VMAs were playing a cruel joke on us, her ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake brought us back to reality as he collected 4 awards, including Male Artist of the Year. You go, boy!

As bad as Britney's performance was, it made Chris Brown's performance stand out all the more. Performing "Wall to Wall" with an old-time carnival theme, Brown's moves were anything but old. The choreography along with his sick dance skills were enough to give Usher a run for his money. In fact, Brown even added a brief tribute to "Billie Jean" in there, just to show Michael Jackson's not the only one who could dance like that. Hopefully Brown won't start taking on any of Jacko's strange mannerisms.

Although she looked like a bloated Greek goddess, Beyonce took home the Earthshattering Collaboration award for her and Shakira's "Beautiful Liar." And not surprisingly, Rihanna's "Umbrella" won Monster Single of 2007, which convinces me that it's no longer a question of talent or lyrics, just who can sing the most annoying song ever. Eh? Eh Eh?

That's all I have for the VMAs, except one last plea: Britney, honey, we were all rooting for your “come back.” But unless you fire whoever made you dance around like Stripperella, you’re gonna end up doing MCI commercials with the rest of the has-beens.

HorrorScope September 7-13

2007-09-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Weekly HorrorScope Sept 7 - Sept 13

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will stub your toe. Repeatedly. Get your vision checked.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will find a rare and valuable coin in your house. Also, someone you know will also play a mean trick on you and waste a lot of your time.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will not be attached by a swarm of angry midgets wearing go-go boots this week. Sucks for you, that sound like it might be a lot of fun.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get the feeling that people are talking about you behind your back. Don’t worry about it - they totally are, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Today, your phone number was sold to a telemarketing company that will call you every Saturday at 8:30 a.m. for the next four years.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A vague prediction you read on the internet sometime this week will be somewhat relative to your life.

Today's birthday (Sept 6). Happy Birthday! You might be fat, but at least you have a pretty face.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Today is a good day for romance. Restock your van with candy and stuffed animals.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You’ll find out you are deathly allergic to a common household substance. I would stop huffing random chemicals you find in the basement.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Cruising the mall for Back-To-School savings isn’t going to help you with your looming deadline - stop procrastinating! Besides, you look like a moron with that JanSport bookbag. What are you, 10?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). After what you did, you don't even deserve to know your fortune for the week. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Stop calling you ex and hanging up. It's creepy and they know it's you. Freakin' weirdo...

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You should get that rash checked out.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: When the moon aligns with Uranus, you’re bound to have a shitty time.

Penny for Your Thoughs: Re: 9% of U.S. Kids Have ADHD

2007-09-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

Penny for Your Thoughts:

"Re: 9% of U.S. Kids Have ADHD"

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin
09/05/07

Read this horse crap from the Washington Post:9% of U.S. Kids Have ADHD

Are you wondering the same thing as me - how much did some pharmaceutical company pay these scientists to do this research? Because as far as I can see, this sounds like a bunch of disease mongering.

Now, let me start off by saying that I’m not teasing the people in this world who genuinely have a medical problem. But since there is no laboratory or imaging test that can indicate reliably whether someone has ADHD, I’m suspicious that the general populous has given into the epidemic “marketing” of this disorder.

Plain and simple, this world medicates too much for personality-type.

I mean, don't you ever remember being a pre-teen? Weren’t you also a whiny brat that thought the world “didn’t understand you”? It's called puberty, not ADHD! It’s perfectly normal to feel a little confused when you’re hormones are going nuts and you feel like you’re trapped in your own awkward body. But somehow, for thousands of years, we’ve been able to make it through to adulthood without all these prescription drugs shoved down our throats. Heck, I would like to see a study on to evaluate how many drugged-up youngsters ended up abusing substances later in life, simply due to the fact that their parents gave them prescription drugs to chew on when they cried instead of gummy bears.

But I hear it time and time again – “My four-year old runs around the backyard screaming at the top of his lungs! I saw a commercial where a kid was doing the same thing. Do you think I have a child with ADHD?” Congratulations. You have a four-years-old. That’s just what they do.

How about some old-fashioned discipline? I’m not talking about spanking, I’m just telling you to just have a freaking backbone every once in a while! Don’t reward your toddler for throwing a temper tantrum and they’ll eventually stop throwing them. And when your pre-teen starts sobbing for $100 jeans so she can look like Britney Spears, don’t put her on anti-depressants. Just stick her in a paper hat and make her flip some burgers for those fancy-pants. Sure, she’ll hate you for it today, but she’ll thank you 10-years from now when she actually understands the value of a dollar.

Here is scary, but realistic scenario: Billy acts out in class, so the school nurse pressures his parents to medicate him, and the parents cave because they don’t have time to deal with a “troubled” child. So, whenever it’s time to hand in homework, he gives a little doctor's note that says, "Billy can't do his homework because he's bipolar/depressed/paranoid/schizophrenic and/or has really bad jock itch. Please excuse him from doing any work for the next four years of high school."

So, the other kids ask why Billy doesn’t do homework. He reveals that if you pretend to be sad or “crazy”, your parents will take you to the doctor for a note so you don't have to try as hard in school. He’ll even admit that his mom cried for joy when he played video games all day because he was “taking initiative, set goals and achieving something." What a crock of shit.

All the kids get jealous and cry home to mommy, who has just seen seventeen infomercials about “AHDH Awareness” during daytime television. The kids get “diagnosed”, the doctors get paid, the pharmaceutical companies get paid, the parents no longer feel guilty, the school no longer has to teach, and the kids happily pass excuse notes forward while slowly turning into zombies.

You see, the one thing that Billy's note doesn't mention is that antidepressants are addictive and detox can be a struggle. Some kids can’t handle coming off the meds, so they find other kids to sell them their prescriptions. Forget about lunch money - all you need is a $5 hit of antidepressants to satiate you. Get a grip people – you’re turning your kids into lazy, uneducated, suicidal junkies. If you think I’m exaggerating, google some medical forums and read about the reported side effects.

So, when your kids come home from school with bad grades, don’t start lacing their cereal with drugs. Just get to know your child. Talk to them like an adult, instead of nagging or coddling them. If that doesn’t work, get a few professional opinions and counseling before you use drugs as a pacifier.

Have we learned nothing from Bart Simpson from Episode SI-1022, where his class becomes victim to a new fad drug called “Focusin?” But what do we know? We’re just cartoon characters.

HorrorScope August 31 - September 6

2007-08-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

Weekly Horrorscope August 31 - September 6

By Emo Emu

Hi, Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are away at the moment, so I’m gonna fill in for them for this week’s HorrorScopes, even though they’re off somewhere having a good time while I am stuck here pecking at the keyboard alone in the dark.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your idea of being different is dressing like everyone else. God, you are a conformist tool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will be sad. You should put on as much mascara as possible, go to a concert, cry, and then get really mad that your mascara is running.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The pretend girlfriend you made up in 6th grade will break up with you and you’ll write a sad song about it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Thinking about a haircut? You should use a dull razor blade and slice it in a jagged angle. If you don’t have a razor blade, your sister’s safety scissors will work, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will do a Google image search for sunsets and cry because they're so beautiful. You'll even when they're just broken jpegs...because they're like your heart.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your friends will find out that your a poser when they realise your dark-rimmed glasses don't even have a prescription in them.

Today's birthday (August 30). Congratulations, you were born into a horrible depressing society full of woe. I really doubt some cake will fix that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will go to a thrift store and buy a shirt that is several sizes too small for you so you look like you work out, even though you're actually accentuating the fact that you are scrawny, pale and poor.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will feel sad and alone this week. You should cut yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will be full of angst because people don’t know how hard it is for teenagers to fit in with society. Cutting yourself will make it better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). No one understands you. They’re all just assholes anyway. You should cut them. Or…yourself.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will get upset when you get hit in the face with a basketball during gym class so you’ll go cry in the shower and then you'll come out and realize that some jerk stole all your clothes and you’ll have to walk all the way to the Principal’s office wet and naked while Alice Shelly walks right by you and laughs and then the Principal will tell you that you never had any clothes to begin you because you have feathers and he'll ask what you did with them and you remember that you sometimes subconsciously plucked all your feathers when you are frustrated so in order to cover your naughty bits they’ll make you wear these weird One-Size-Fits-All pants that smell like Doritos and you’ll walk uncomfortably to lunch where your worst enemy will flick peas at you but at least its better than the time they threw the tacos at you and hot sauce got in your eye and everyone laughed at you because you always cry but that time it was really just the hot sauce so you had to go to the nurse and miss Algebra class and your teacher failed you for missing the midterm because she’s a conformist bitch anyway that’s keeping you down because she doesn’t understand how hard it is for scene kids to fit in this crazy violent society so you tell everyone you're gonna bust some jaws and they suspend you for being violent and you'd write a song about it but your arms are too short to reach the guitar strings.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). I...I don't think I can handle telling your future. It just doesn't feel right to me. Nothing feels right to me. Do you want to go to the Rites of Spring concert with me?

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Proverbs are cliche and mean nothing compared to the horrors that are really out there. This monkey talks in riddles, not of what's really important, and that is why won't they let me upload YouTube videos that are longer than 17 minutes, I mean, I have a lot to say and the world just keeps sensoring me.

Warning: The Emo Emu is a really sad cartoon character who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, his horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don't actually cut yourself.

Wiccan Chicken MySpace Glitter Graphic

2007-08-29T17:42:00.000-07:00

Just letting you all know that:

Copy + Paste script to share with a special friend!

Horrorscope August 24-30

2007-08-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Weekly Horrorscope August 24 - August 30
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Calm your butt down...literally. If you don't relax soon, you're gonna get hemorrhoids - and the cute clerk at the pharmacy will NEVER date you if you constantly tote the Preparation H!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel particularly artistic this week. Try not to do anything like paint your house Luscious Lilac or design yourself a "cool" tattoo to cover your entire forearm - you'll regret it in the morning.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Don't double-cross anyone this week, not even a little. Your gain today will cost you major karma points in the future...let's just say it involves a horde of field mice nesting in your engine block, underwear drawer, or both.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). A long lost friend or family member will contact you this week. Don't get excited - they just want to borrow money.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Remember to floss. Your breath kinda smells like stale cabbage.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit goofing around on the internet and clean your room, no one wants to see your dirty socks and crap-collection.

Today's birthday (August 23). Happy Birthday! On this day in 1963, The Beatles released the hit song "She Loves You". Too bad "she" doesn't love you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Some people have described your laugh as a hyena scratching rusty nails against a chalkboard. Record yourself laughing and listen to yourself. The sound alone will make you into a somber person and solve this dilemma.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). When was the last time you took a vacation? You're starting to resemble a used tampon. (No, that is not a good thing.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You wanna know why none of your relationships work out? You snore horribly. Try sleeping on your side next time you actually want a second date.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You should consider getting a new job. There are lucrative career opportunities right next door at your local McDonalds!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your use of the internet has ruined your ability to speak. If you tell someone that you are ROFLMAO one more time, you will DAHPD (Die A Horrible Painful Death.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). That cigarette butt you flicked out the window a few weeks ago landed a little old man in the hospital with third degree burns on his cornea. You are officially a jerk. Quit before you do even more destruction.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Some say, "A man who fishes in another man's well catches crab." I say, since when do crabs live in wells? "The man" can keep it. I would rather drink shitty city water than crabby well water.

Horrorscope August 17-23

2007-08-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Weekly Horrorscope August 17 - August 23

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Next time you go shopping, you should stop and think about what your future kids are going to say when they see pictures of you wearing your “stylish” outfits today. You already kinda look like a moron, so it’s not gonna get any better.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). A new, unexpected door will open for you this week. Don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Every morning, your neighbor can hear you singing in the shower. Do everyone a favor and put a sock in it, would yah?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). A useless piece of trivia that you pick up from a Snapple cap or bumper sticker will help you answer a Jeopardy question six months from now. Too bad no one will be around that day to witness your “genius”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will be short on cash this week. You might want to consider selling some of the crap you have around the house on Ebay rather than undergo your usual couch cushion rummaging (although if you check through all your old pants’ pockets, you might come across a buck or two).

Today's birthday (August 16). Happy Birthday! When someone gives you a few birthday punches today, you should fall to the ground and scream, “OH, THE PAAAAIN! I have brittle bone syndrome, you ass!” Not only will it be REALLY funny, but it will increase Osteogenesis imperfecta awareness. Way to spread the knowledge, kiddo.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will make a friend this week that will eventually make you a part of their wedding party. If you want to avoid the year-long pain, agony, and wallet strain of their wedding, avoid this person until they get back from their overpriced honeymoon.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will discover a new talent this week – don’t bother showing anyone, it’s not all that impressive.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). If you smoke, you should quit – you’re gonna get lung cancer. If you’re a non-smoker, you’re uncool, but at least you’ll live to be a crazy, lonely 100-year old person – but hey, smelling like cat pee is slightly better than smelling like cigarettes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might not remember what you did the night of your best friends’ wedding, but everybody else does and is too afraid to tell you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you hate your ex so much, then why do you continually keep checking their MySpace and Facebook? Yes, their significant other IS better-looking than you – get over it!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You owe approximately $3,250 to your local library for the copy of “The Celery Stalks at Midnight” that you picked up in 3rd grade. If I was you, I would skip town.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Stop leaving the car running while you wait for the teller to count your money at the drive-thru bank. You’re killing baby kittens.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: People that do not believe in evolution accidentally put Monkey into Presidential office.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Recipe: Vegan "Chicken" Masala Curry

2007-08-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed that people really like my cooking as long as I don’t tell them that it’s made with “tofu.” Here’s what I don’t get – what’s more disgusting – a substance derived from soybeans, or eating the grilled portion of a dead animal’s flesh? Well, anyway, I have heard that this recipe tastes “just like the real thing,” which is a little disturbing, because that means it tastes just like me. Why does EVERYTHING have to taste “just like” me?

So, without further adieu, here is the
Wiccan Chicken's Masala Curry
Serves 4
Prep time: 20 minutes
Cook time: 25 minutes
INGREDIENTS
1 pack of “Chicken Free Chicken”, 2" cubed*
1 onion, diced
1 tsp. garlic, crushed
1 tsp. ginger, crushed
1-2 TBS. Chicken Masala Spice**
1/2 cup tomato, finely chopped
1 tsp cilantro, chopped
1 TBS. olive oil
1-cup water

PREPARATION
Sauté onions, garlic and ginger in oil until lightly browned. Add Masala spice and sauté 2 minutes. Add tomatoes. Cook 10 minutes. Add Chicken Free Chicken and cook an additional 5 minutes. Add water as necessary. Serve over rice (I prefer brown but white is good, too).

* You can usually find “Chicken Free Chicken” at the health food store. I have also used chicken-textured tofu from the refrigerated tofu section of our local Asian market.)

** Chicken masala spice is available at your local Indian grocery store/in the “Ethnic Foods” isle at the grocery store. This is also sometimes known as garam masala. These are the ingredients if you want to make it yourself:

4 oz. coriander seeds
1 oz. cumin seeds
1 oz. black pepper
½ oz. black cumin seeds (shahjeera)
½ oz. dry ginger
¼ oz. black cardamoms and cloves
¼ oz. cinnamon
¼ oz. bay leaves

1. Dry roast all the ingredients (except dry ginger) very lightly.
2. Cool and dry grind to a powder along with the dry ginger (I use a pepper grinder.)
3. Store in an air tight bottle.

Penny for Your Thoughts: Why Americans Are Fat Loads

2007-08-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Penny for Your Thoughts:

"Why Americans Are Fat Loads"

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

08/14/07

I’m a full-figured penguin.

So, in an effort to keep my bird-ish figure, I walked to the grocery store the other day instead of driving. Al Gore might even say I was helping to “eliminate my carbon footprint”, but really, I was trying to eliminate the three pieces of cheesecake I had after dinner the other night. So, I was walking along, minding my business, and some moron in an SUV the size of Arkansas peeled up next to me.

“Hey, chickie baby. Uh, do you, like, need a RIDE or something?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no, I’m okay.”

He looked at me as if I was some kind of unfortunate derelict because I was actually WALKING instead of driving some gas-guzzling-overcompensation-for-manhood.

“Well, suit yourself, I was just trying to help you out!”

He shook his head in disgust as he pulled out into traffic and proceeded to cut off the little old lady in a Honda so he could get home 4 seconds sooner to go beat his wife and children.

Now, I gotta tell you, I’m certainly not Cindy Crawford, but at least three more cars honked at me on the way to the store. Somehow, this nice summer walk turned into the “Walk of Shame.” And that’s when came with why we Americans are such fat loads…

It’s the suburbs!

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You move out of the city and into the suburbs in hopes to find “The American Dream.” You can’t help but notice that all the sidewalks in shambles and everyone drives like they've never seen a pedestrian before. You love your family, so you buy everyone of driving age a car to ensure their safety. And in order to afford the loan payment, gas, and insurance on your family’s’ cars, you take on a nice, steady job. But unlike many countries Europe where most employers enforce a 35-hour maximum workweek and five weeks vacation, you have to work 50 to 60 hours a week so your boss doesn’t think you’re a “slacker” and use your 2 weeks vacation to catch up on chores around the house so your spouse doesn’t think you’re lazy.

After your normal grueling workweek, you don’t even want to think about making dinner, but going to restaurants is noisy and expensive, so on the way home, you pass the “Golden Arches.” You can’t resist the convenience and value, and what kid would turn down a “Happy Meal”? So, your family thinks you’re a hero and you sit down together in front of the TV and eat your double cheeseburgers. You’re all too tired to talk so you zone out while watching reality TV and wonder why everyone’s life is better than yours,

At night, you feel too sluggish from the chemicals in the fast food to make love to your spouse. Your spouse feels slighted so you fight about something completely unrelated. You go to bed angry and with indigestion.

The next day, you don’t look so good, so your boss tells you to go see your doctor and make sure everything is in order. You tell your doctor that you feel depressed and you don’t know why, so he gives you a heavy dose of anti-depressants and sleep aids, which make you feel good for a while, but make you gain even more weight. Your spouse is no longer attracted to you but you barely notice because you’re so zonked on medication.

You try to put on your favorite pair of pants one morning and they don’t fit. Your spouse nags you about your weight and appearance. You get more depressed, and have to work longer hours to avoid your family and afford the anti-depressants that your pathetic company insurance will barely cover.

On your drive home from a late night at the office, you look out the window and see a pedestrian walking up the street, on the way to the grocery store with a little “granny cart.” As much as you hate your life, your stop to think, “Well, at least I’m not a poor pathetic loser like that! I can at least provide cars for my family!” You honk at them to see if you can make them jump, and laugh as you pull back into the McDonald’s Drive-Thru.

Congratulations. You are a fat load.

So, next time you see a penguin walking up the street, don't feel sorry for it - they just don't want to be a stereotypical American.

This has been a campaign for sidewalk awarness. There are sidewalks in the suburbs - use them or lose them. If your sidewalks suck, write to your mayor. You pay taxes for a reason, fatass.

Horrorscope August 10-16

2007-08-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your dog will continually crap on your couch if you continually make him wear fruity sweaters and Halloween costumes. Sure, he might lick his own balls, but dogs have dignity too (besides, you know you'd lick yourself if you could.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel extremely ovewhelmed this week. Try relieving some tensioln with relaxing warm bath or perhaps bulletwound to the temple.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your "green" investment in a new hybrid car have already been negated by the 10,000 gallons of water you've wasted in your lifetime by brushing your teeth with the sink running.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You should pick a better password than your first name, last initial and/or birthday before some hacker order $15,000 worth of beer, extra large pizzas and Astroglide on your credit card. And you won't even get invited to that party!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). The fried green beans from Friday's are no longer considered a vegetable, so stop thinking they're diet food.

Today's birthday (August 9). Happy Birthday! You will have that retarded "Lipgloss Song" stuck in your head all day...and you're waaaaay to old to be singing that, buddy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You should really make amends with that friend that you had a fight with a few months ago; if you do, you'll get to go to go to their birthday party, where you'll makeout with some drunk person. (See also: Aries)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You might want to update your resume before you apply for your next job. And you should really consider removing "1992 Spelling Bee Champion" as a relevant award.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Yes, that shirt does make you look fat.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will unleash a multitude of viruses on your computer when mistakenly type "www.yanoo.com." Why do you still have Nortons? You know it doesn't work!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). A week after you book tickets for "Spiderman: The Musical," you will come out of the closet. No one will be surprised.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The next time you use up an entire roll of toilet paper covering a public toilet seat, remember on average, your keyboard has 50 times more bacteria than the nastiest gas station rest stop toilet. Enjoy your sandwich while you're reading this, Aquarius!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will feel great satisfaction when you stumble upon a former high school bully on MySpace has 50 pounds. Don't get too excited - he still makes more money than you.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you run behind a car, you might get exhausted.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Vegan Sloppy Joe Recipe

2007-08-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

Sloppy Janes

Much better than the Sloppy Joe's that the lunchlady tries to slap on your tray!

1/2 pound tempeh
1 chopped onion
1 chopped green pepper
2 cloves garlic
2 cups vegan tomato sauce
1 or 2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp salt
buns (I like the 100% whole wheat kind)

Steam the tempeh for 20 minutes and cut into 1/4 inch cubes

Simmer the onion, green pepper and garlic in 1/4 cup water until the vegetables are soft. Stir in the tempeh, sauce, chili powder, and salt and simmer until heated through.

Warm up the buns in a toaster oven, just for a minute or two. Scoop & serve with a side of baby carrots for a yummy lunch!

Recipe courtesy of GoToHealth.com

Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

2007-08-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will be thrilled when you find a shiny quarter on the street. But beware: That quarter literally just rolled out of some guy's tighty whities. (He keeps spare change "down there" because the metal keeps him cool in the summer. And besides, it helps accentuate his manliness.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Ask three questions to yourself. You got 'em? Okay, good. The answers are: 1.) No 2.) Maybe and 3.) Who Are You Kidding?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You have extreme emotional ups and downs this week. It's nothing astrological - you're just crazy.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will like a weight has been lifted off your chest when you donate some of your unused belongings to the Salvation Army. And if you get rid of that god-awful pair of pants from the 70's, it will look like a weight has been lifted off your ass, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might not remember this, but you got drunk and peed on your neighbor's lawn ornaments a few years ago. You don't have to be psychic to know that; those photos are already all over the internet. You own your neighbor a Gnome.

Today's birthday (August 2). Happy Birthday! Your Sunday paper had a coupon for $7 off L'Oreal-Stay-Away-Gray hair dye this week. You should really check the recycling for that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Regardless of what your frat brother told you, the four basic food groups are NOT beer, pizza, ramen, and Mountain Dew. Well...at least Mountain Dew has trace amounts of Vitamin C.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Get a haircut, Hippie.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The love of your life will come to a starting conclusion this week - she's dating you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Control your road rage. Remember: You aren't going to get there any faster if you have to find a place to dump the body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). I hate to be the one to tell you this...You were adopted. But your adopted family didn't want you, so they sent you back to your normal parents.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make love, not Warcraft. If you don't put the controller down, your girlfriend is gonna dump you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Your company just got a new Internet tracking program, so you should probably stop shopping for new golf clubs and mail-order brides on company time.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Even the worst people have a culture. Never forget bacteria.

Really Easy Vegan "Chicken" Salad Recipe

2007-07-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

Penny passed along this recipe - I find it a little disturbing because it's supposed to taste just like ME (why does everything taste "just like" me?), but it's actually pretty good.

Vegetarian "Chicken" Salad Recipe

INGREDIENTS:

1 carrot
1 celery stalk
1 green onion, finely sliced
1 tbsp relish
1/4 tsp dill
1/4 cup mayonnaise (use vegan mayonnaise for a vegan version)
approx 6 oz mock chicken or 10-12 mock chicken deli slices

PREPARATION:

Using a food processor or a grater, finely dice the carrot and celery.

Slice mock chicken into approximately 1 cm square pieces.

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl until well mixed.

Serve over lettuce or on bread for a vegetarian "chicken" salad sandwich.

I like to heat up some vegan whole-wheat bread in the toaster oven and then scoop this on, mmm, mmm!

You might also want to try adding a few jalepeno peppers on top if you like things a little spicy! ;> ;> :>

Recipe courtesy of About.com

Horrorscope July 27 - August 2

2007-07-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

Weekly Horrorscope
July 27 - August 2

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). An old flame will try to woo you back into his/her life. In addition to having a new haircut and a new attitude, they have newly acquired Chlamydia. (No, that is not a type of diet pill.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Two vindictive postal workers will have a fun time kicking around the important package you marked "Fragile" before they quit their jobs and go work mall security. Make sure you spring for the "Insurance" this time.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will see extra income from the minimum wage hike this week, only to see it taken right back out of your paycheck in taxes to fund various military outings and from the your insurance company that just happened to increase your premium. You might seriously consider becoming Canadian.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Sometime this week, you will get the nagging feeling that people are staring at you. You won't notice until you get home that you had a booger on your face AND your fly was down.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Someone will make $4,500 on Ebay selling a baseball card your mom threw out five years ago today. They'll be happy they dumpster dived while you eat your third bowl of Ramen noodle this week.

Today's birthday (July 26). Your mom will reminisce about the night nine months prior to this day when she got drunk at a party and met your dad.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Everyone is afraid to tell you that your new deodorant isn't really working. Stick to the Old Spice.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). After a really bad day at school or work, you will go home and consume and entire half gallon of Rocky Road iced cream and never speak of it to anyone you know.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). That wasn't a sprinkle, it was a rat dropping. Go get tested for diseases.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will spend your weekend gleefully commenting "You're fat" and "You're gay" on ever YouTube video that happens to cross your mouse. And then you will be hit by a bus. But if you don't do that, you'll hit the lotto. (Exception: If you've already posted the ending to "Harry Potter" anywhere on the internet, both things will happen.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You are really two sizes larger than you think you are. You should go to the store and buy a shirt that fits.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). This week, an angel will find you......doing naughty things while looking at the newly released pictures of Britney doing something skanky. The angel will come back later, when you have better taste in women.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You have a secret admirer. Too bad it's your cousin.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Don't bite that hand that feeds you. You don't know where that hand has been!

Recipe: Vegan Spicy Sweet Potato-Bean Burrito

2007-07-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

Hello, my fellow vegans! Want something a little spicy for dinner tonight? Try some of these burritos - they just make my BEAK water!

Spicy Sweet Potato-Bean Burrito

Ingredients (use vegan versions):

1 teaspoon olive, canola oil
1 large onion,finely chopped
3 or 4 cloves garlic, minced
6 cups cooked beans (kidney or garbanzo)
2 cups water or bean-cooking liquid
2 to 3 tablespoon chili powder
2 to 4 teaspoon prepared yellow mustard
2 teaspoon ground cumin
2 to 3 tablespoon soy sauce
8 10 soft whole-wheat tortillas
4 cups mashed cooked sweet potatoes
3 green onions, finely chopped
thinly sliced avocado
salsa to garnish

Directions:

1. Heat oil in a 4-quart saucepan over medium heat. Saute onion in oil until transparent. Add garlic and stir. Add beans, water, chili powder, mustard cumin.

2. Bring mixture to a boil over medium-high heat. Cover. Reduce heat to low. Simmer until beans are very very soft, about 10 to 15 minutes. Stir in soy sauce.

3. Mash beans in the pot with a potato masher or large slotted spoon. Simmer, uncovered, over medium-low heat to cook away any excess liquid, about 25 minutes. Taste and add more seasoning if desired.

4. Preheat oven to 375. spread about 2/3 cups bean mixture down the middle of a tortilla and top with 1/2 cup mashed sweet potato. Sprinkle with 1/8 green onions. Roll up burrito, folding edges in from two sides to cover filling.

5. Repeat with remaining tortillas, bean mixture, sweet potato and onions. Place burritos seam side down on a baking sheet that has been sprayed with vegetable cooking spray. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes or until burritos are crisp.

6. Sprinkle burritos with avocado, salsa as desired.

Serves: 8

Preparation time: 45 minutes

Recipe courtsey of Wiccan Chicken & VegWeb.com

Casu Marzu – An Unusual Delicacy

2007-07-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

Penny for Your Thoughts:
Casu Marzu – An Unusual Delicacy
By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

Casu marzu (a.k.a. rotten cheese, maggot cheese, worm cheese, casu modde, casu cundhídu, or formaggio marcio) is a type of pecorino cheese infested with thousands of wriggling maggots. And believe it or not, it's sold for about three times the price of normal percorino! Don't believe me? Check Wikipedia - they know all about it!

This special cheese goes beyond typical fermentation to a stage most would consider decay. The cheese ages in open air, which allows the "cheese flies" (Piophila casei) to lay their eggs into it. Once eggs hatch, translucent white worms, about 8 mm (1/3 inch) long promote additional fermentation and break down the cheese's fats. Eventually, the cheese becomes very soft, pungent, and full of liquid (called lagrima, from the Sardinian for "tears").

As long as the maggots are still alive (and believe me, you'll know – you can hear them rustling from the package!), the cheese is fresh and good to eat. But buyer beware: if the maggots are dead, the cheese has become toxic. The cheese is typically eaten on crackers or bread, with the larvae still inside of it. Most foreigners try to remove the larvae or "eat around them," which is quite a difficult feat – the larvae can jump up to six inches if disturbed! And if you are adventurous like me, you should accompany your casu marzu with some "worm wine," made from the dreaded caterpillars commonly called army worms. I'll get into that in my next article – I think I hear my cheese crawling off the table.

Horrorscope July 19-26

2007-07-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

Weekly Horrorscope
July 19-July 26
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). The person of your dreams will pass you in your car and you'll be too busy picking your nose to see them. (And yes, they will see you wiping it on your passenger seat.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will be under a lot of stress this week when you find out who the father actually is.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will see a really good movie this week, but the people who come into the public restroom after you will wonder what you ate for dinner last night.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will accidentally kick your cat this week when you are late and scrambling to get out the door. Secretly, you will like it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). A fantastically-written show will be canceled because your set has a secret Nielson rating monitor, and all you watch is crappy reality TV.

Today's birthday (July 19). You will get an impersonal giftcard from someone you know, simply because you bought them one for their birthday last year. They don't even like you!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). This week, a dolphin will choke to death on a plastic six-pack holder that you neglected to cut apart four years ago. I hope you're happy.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your neighbor will catch a glimpse of your naked rear end when you forget to close the blinds. Why aren't you wearing any clothes while you make a sandwich, anyhow? It's not sanitary.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You've been putting on weight, you should really consider a new exercise plan – or at least a salad.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You're not going to have it "Your Way" this week. A cook will drop your hamburger bun on the floor and brush like nothing happened.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your girlfriend is using you for your X-Box. Dump the zero and get a hero – she'll really like the Nintendo Wii better.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18).You will have a slightly upset stomach from because you unknowingly swallowed a spider in your sleep last night. Try not to sleep with your mouth hanging open next time.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). When is the last time you got carwash? Someone wrote "Wash Me" in the dirt on your back bumper three weeks now and you haven't even noticed.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Happy 4th of July Glitter Graphic

2007-07-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

Right-click and select "Save Target As" to save to your harddrive & share with friends!

Bigfoot Glitter Graphic

2007-06-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

Right-click the graphic and select "Save As" to save the graphic to your computer. Then upload it to the free hosting site of your choice (like Photobucket)and send it to your friends!

Pagan Penguin Glitter Graphic

2007-05-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

Right-click the graphic and select "Save As" to save the graphic to your computer. Then upload it to the free hosting site of your choice (like Photobucket)and send it to your friends!

Soy Milk

2007-04-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

Click for large version of this image.

Wiccan Chicken Happy Birthday Glitter Graphic

2007-04-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

Right-click the graphic and select "Save As" to save the graphic to your computer. Then upload it to the free hosting site of your choice (like Photobucket)and send it to your friends!

Happy Ostara! Blessed Equinox!

2007-03-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

Right-click and select "Save Target As" to save to your hard-drive and share with friends!

Thanks for helping me move my roost!

2007-03-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

I would like thank everyone who helped today with the big Philadelphia move.

Shinygrape Studios says thanks, too. I don't quite understand why they keep drawing pictures of me, but, whatever. Okay! I have some unpacking to do!

Easter Parody Strip

2007-03-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

Please do not steal bandwidth - Right-click and select "Save As" to share with friends. Hoppy Easter :)

Wiccan Chicken Glitter Graphic

2007-03-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

Right-click the graphic and select "Save As" to save the graphic to your computer. Then upload it to the free hosting site of your choice (like Photobucket)and send it to your friends!

Christmas Parody Wiccan Chicken Card

2006-12-25T10:06:00.000-08:00

Right-click and select "Save Target As" to save to your computer & share with friends!

Al Gore and the Sun's Conspiracy

2006-12-21T10:02:00.000-08:00

I saw Mr. Gore's movie last night, and it's what I always dreaded: the Earth is merely a huge oven that keeps turning its temperature up a little tiny bit at a time. Before we all know it, we'll be a giant meat casserole! We have to fight this by spiting Mother Earth. Stop using gas-guzzling cars; the fumes are just adding to our "Smoked" flavor, and I think She really likes that. We have to recycle paper so we don't use Her trees..I mean, HELLO, what happens when you burn wood? It makes the place all hot..and toasty..and dare I say it..DELICIOUS! Well! I'm not going to turn into a pot pie!

Please, if you can, recycle everything you can - and if there is no recycling in your neighborhood, contact your local township and ask why! And if you can't find any place to recycle your garbage, then throw it in your nasty little brother's room - he probably won't even notice. Packrats are my favorite: they never pollute because they keep EVERYTHING under their bed. Ahh.

And the worst part...

Al Gore Caught Warming Globe To Increase Box Office Profits

No! My hero! It can't be! This is a conspiracy!!

July 4th Comic

2006-07-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

Click to view larger image:

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-06-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

Right-click and select "Save Target As" to save to your hard drive & share with friends!

Wizard World Philadelphia After Party

2006-06-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

Be There or Be Square! Directly AFTER Wizard World ('round 5:30??) I''ll be there!